Calling

God I don't know what you are calling me to.

I need to die to what I think my calling should look like.

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with the idea of living a "glamorous" life. I desire to live that life where people see me and want to be like me. Can I be honest here? I want to have my best face forward, the pictures people see on instagram and Facebook. I want to be beautiful, skinnier, healthier, more talented at the things I think are desirable and worthy. I want to be that woman, who is good at cooking, house keeping, interior design… who is always fashionable. But at the same time, good at my career, successful. A better nurse, wife, friend, daughter.

But I'm exhausted from pursuing that glamorous life.

I need to accept that I am called. Not called to that glamorous life. I always focus on the calling. But forget the one calling me. I need to accept that I am called, accepted, chosen by God.

Sometimes I look at the end result, what am I doing for God right now… and don't see any fruit, therefore I doubt that I was called by God in the first place.

I need to look to the caller. Adopt his vision. It's not about my own dreams and ambitions, although God can use those things he has placed in my heart.

God what burden have you placed on my heart? I want to know who you designed me to be. I want to be consumed with seeing You fill this place. I don't want to be focused on my accomplishment, but your plans accomplishment, even if I do not get the credit.
Even if I play the background. I want to be humbled so you can be exhausted.

I want to usher your glory. I want to be filled with you so that your plans can be accomplished. That when I (you) walk into a room darkness vanishes.

God please place a vision and dream in my heart from you. Reveal to me, what you are calling me to, not just what I want to do, but what you want me to do. I want to adopt your vision for my life. Holy spirit I need you. I need to change. I believe that the more I pursue you, I will change. I cannot change on my own, I realize in a new way. But I will chase you until I am different.

Your purpose is to be where God dwells.

At work, with people, in the city, with close friends/family… everywhere you do life.

He is rich in mercy, because of his great love he made you alive. For we are his workmanship.

New season

My life has changed a lot in the past 6 months. I thought that I liked change. And I thought I could not just handle it, but embrace it under the label of "adventure". But it turns out change scares me. It takes away all my pretenses of safety. 

This past summer, my family moved away to another province. My dad was the pastor of our church, worked from home, my mom a stay at home mom and my brother was always around. I was used to a house full of people, a house where we never locked our front door... Dangerous probably but open for anyone to visit. We had people in and out all the time. I love my family, we are all very close. 

I also graduated university this past April and started working as a registered nurse at the children's hospital. 

The most wonderful change of all, I had the privilege of marrying my best friend. It was the perfect day and best decision I've ever made, next to following Christ. 

None of these things are bad. Getting married and starting a career are great things! But in it, I entered into the loneliest period of my life. 

Moving into a new house that didn't feel like home. Working shift work as a nurse, spending days in an empty house and evenings at the hospital. The house was quiet. I wasn't used to how empty it felt.  

I put so much pressure on Derek to fill that loneliness. But it wasn't our relationship that was making me lonely. He's so patient and kind with me. Loving me through every day. 

I felt depressed. Anxious all the time. Stresses from work adding to the mix. I couldn't cope. 

I couldn't cope with the way I felt. I couldn't go to church and pretend. I felt so fake. Like I don't have the energy to worship. I don't feel the joy God talks about in the bible. Why should I stand and raise my hands and pretend. I found myself feeling bitter. Towards religion and religious people. To people who say that God is good all the time. Is he? When all I see around me are children dying from cancer. It's so hard to remain steadfast in the belief that God is good when you feel like crying all the time because a depression you can't explain has come over you. I started to avoid community. I don't want people to know my pain. Or see through my act that everything is okay. I also don't want people to tell me everything is alright. 

I found myself in a place of doubt and disbelief. I never doubt gods existence but I doubt his goodness. And to add to it I would be upset with myself for feeling this way - you've been a Christian the majority of your life Emilie shouldn't you have this figured out by now. You shouldn't struggle with elementary beliefs. I felt so stupid. 

So I stopped going to church. I told myself I wouldn't read the bible or pray unless I wanted to. Not because I "should". I was done with the guilt trip I was putting myself through. I can't keep pushing my doubts aside and forcing myself to go through the motions of what I think being a Christian should look like. 

My dad assured me. You aren't losing your faith. The stress of falling too far away to be redeemed scared me. What if I take a break and God doesn't take me back. 

I don't think there's a time in my life when I have ever had a revelation in one moment. Over time God works on my heart. And I look back and I'm not where I used to be. 

I prayed and asked God to give me desire to be a Christian. Not out of duty but out of desire. 

Every time I opened my bible for the next two months (and it was only a handful of times)... I bawled. I sunk into my living room couch and bawled. Every time I prayed I earnestly meant every word. That meant I didn't pray for every prayer list item my church emailed out. But the few that grabed my heart and my spirit. "Oh god." 

God sent me a role model. A lady who doesn't even know me. Never met me. And I've never met her. But I read her story online and for some reason struck a chord in my soul. Encouragement for the first time in a long time that I'm not alone. I just think of her boldness in sharing her story and it makes me feel brave and bold. Testimony is not over rated. It's powerful. 

And through it all God has blessed me with the most gracious sweet husband. Who has held me as I cried and prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. In all the chaos of depression and anxiety that I cannot control, in the chaos of cancer and stress and missing my family, and feeling far from God, and my questions and my doubts and my fears... He's been solid and safe for me. Letting me be who I am and letting me discover who I am. 

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27 ESV)

I need the Holy Spirit more than ever. I don't have anything figured out. I feel like a giant mess. And slightly embarrassed at that fact. I tend to want to say "whatever" and not think or talk abou it. Like what I'm going through isn't valid. I make excuses like "your life isn't that hard, get over it." 

But I won't let myself believe lies. 

Whether you just got diagnosed with MS or you struggle with sadness/anxiety/fear/loneliness, your battle is yours. And bravery isn't specific to only slaying a lion, but bravery can be saying I'm going to get out of bed today and have joy. 

I need to believe that. 

I need you Holy Spirit. I need to go deeper with you or I won't survive. 

Do not fear.

Lamentations says, "I know how you feel, you are not alone."

"I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea, 'Do not close your ears to my cry for relief'. You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear'."
Lamentations 3:55

Out of Want

Sometimes there are no words for how you feel. Sometimes the way life makes you feel, there are no words. I am speechless before God. It's like he absorbs all my unspoken anger, doubt and tears, silently loving me all the while. My latest aversion to church is slowly decreasing, but still remains. Why do I desperately want to avoid corporate community? Am I afraid of letting my true self show at church, letting my friends and community see my real tears. Maybe I am afraid I will scream at the alter of God and be judged. I want to just melt into my sofa with tears running down my face, and take in the worship music filling my ears from my stereo a few feet away. Alone with God, and all my mess. But I need people too. I need encouragement, and sharpening from the others I choose to walk with. This I know, but I am finding it difficult to walk out in actuality. I am afraid my doubt will damage the church, that it will damage me, if I show it to other people. I am afraid of cliché answers and phrases that are empty. I don't want to be responsible for other people's doubt. I don't want my doubt to become their doubt.

I promised myself in November that I would not do anything because I feel that I "should". That included reading my bible and praying. Today was the first day I felt that I "wanted" to. Reading a blog post from a woman I have never met, about her journey with MS. Prayers seem to seep out of me.

Today is the first day in months, I actually want to read the word. Not out of duty or obligation, but because my desire for God is heavier than my anger and doubt and fear and depression and anxiety and sadness. I miss you God. I miss letting myself run to you.

Happiness

Happiness is fragile, I am happy one morning, the next; I know, it could all go away in an instant. Joy is eternal.

What am I doing with my life?

I have so many things I could see myself doing with my career, but I don't have one specific goal. This morning I prayed that God would give me a dream, a goal or vision to work towards. I love my job right now, but that's all it is to me, a job, it's not where I want to stay forever. I need God to give me the opportunities and open the doors. Maybe not right now, but eventually. I need him to help me be satisfied where I am, and be an influence where I am for now, as I gain experience in the hospital setting. I can stay here for a few years. I also pray that the dreams in my heart would line up with the dreams he has for me. I'm going to use this space to brain storm some ideas.
I don't want to stay in the hospital setting forever, or even for a long time. It's not really my favourite thing. I find the shifts hard, working nights messes with my eating, my sleeping and my emotions… maybe it's just really bad right now because I've been struggling more than usual with feeling depressed and anxious. The stress emotionally of being responsible for someone's life… it's heavy. I can handle it, but it's a lot. The tasks I find repetitive and containing. Maybe it's a new grad thing, being so focused on completing tasks correctly… I just don't have a lot of room for my creativity to come out. Or even sometimes my empathy and compassion… there are moments, but I feel like it's stifled because I don't have time to really be compassionate, to sit and talk, to practice presence. I'm sure this will improve the faster I get at tasks, and the easier they become.
But when I think about what I loved about school it wasn't hospital, tasks, medications, patho and pharm… It was people. Working with communities. The class on upstream thinking, community development… that got me so excited, that got me talking about it to all my friends. Water sanitation, health for marginalized populations or developing countries, working with women and children. I also feel I have a knowledge gap when it comes to these sorts of jobs. I think it may be more complicated than I realize… western countries such as canada offering aide to developing worlds… is it our duty because we have been blessed, or is it prideful to think we can help. Is it really helping, or is it hindering, how can we help people, and countries to sustain themselves. There's a lot of factors that I really haven't researched.
Where do I belong? Why have I taken this 4 year degree for nursing, when it feels like 99% of nursing is in hospitals… but I am searching out that 1%, that allows me to apply my degree outside the box. I just don't know what that looks like. I feel anxious and impatient, like I am running out of time before my career needs to halt while I have a family. I know I am still young, but it worries me. That I won't be able to do what I want to do, or what God wants me to do. It sounds silly now that I write it, if it's in God's plan for me, it will happen, and even if I want something, but it's not in God's plan, do I really want that something to happen? Not really, no.
But I do know I was never gung-ho on the whole hospital nursing thing. Not for me, not for my whole career. But do not get me wrong, I am so blessed by my current job placement. I love it, I love the people there, the patients, the management is great. It's a great place to work and learn.

But what if there is more waiting for me?

I have tried to open doors and create opportunities for myself. But none seem to be working out.
I emailed a downtown nursing organization to see if I could do a shadow day, see what nursing in downtown Calgary would be like, working with the marginalized… they couldn't set up a shadow day for me unfortunately. Which is okay.
I have emailed various other organizations and places to set up shadow days, and none replied.

My dream would be to work for a world wide organization that aides in health, red cross, or world health… or even within Canada.
Some ideas I've had are disaster relief, working with youth in schools, or even ministry working with women and children.

I have no idea. It's a tad overwhelming, and I think too much about it. I have to remember that God has provided every single opportunity this far into my life. The last 3 jobs I have had. Even my final focus in last year of nursing school.. all was blatant blessing and direction from God. Does that mean that Cancer Care is where he wants me forever, or am I just here to learn and grow and I can try my hand at other things later in my career.

We will see I guess.

"Joy will not be rugged and durable and deep through suffering where there is not resolve to fight for it."

-j. Piper

I'm so depressed. I'm so anxious. I fear the gun my husband hunts with sitting in the basement, the rafters in my garage that could easily hang a rope, the pills in my medicine cabinet, knives in kitchen drawers. I can't stop these thoughts from coming in at least once a day. They scare me and I want them to stop. I never want to get to the dark place where these passing thoughts stay longer than a moment. Dear god. 

Maybe freedom isn't about being free from all hardship and responsibility. But it's moments of freedom added up together to create a great life.

 

How're you to know?

For all the air that's in your lungs, for all the joy that is to come, for all the things that you're alive to feel, just let the pain remind you hearts can heal. 

Untitled.

Laying awake at night, should probably try and sleep, the idea of waking up in a few hours to go to work is daunting. Why do I live with so much fear. Anxiety. It's like a blanket on top of who I really am and I'm suffocating. But I ignore the only thing that can really set me free. I need to get into Jesus again. Not out of duty or guilt or need even. Just because I want to. Desire is driving for me. I need to have desire again for Christ. It doesn't matter how much I need something, if I don't want it, I'll never reach out and grab it. 

I'm scared I will live my whole life behind other peoples quotes. I want to read thoughts of others to learn but I want to experience life for myself. I don't always want to read about the experiences of others, I want to be the one people quote. One day. I feel dumb sometimes, like I have no original thought to offer. And maybe that's true. But I can't always live my life on Instagram, or trying to capture the moment to relive it later - sometimes the camera needs to put down and the phone needs to be put away, and life just needs to be lived. 

"To change the world you must be different from the world". There. Another quote. But it inspires me. Maybe Pinterest and quotes like this serve purpose. To inspire. As long as I act on those inspirations. I feel like I am depressed because I am easily inspired but not readily to act. Or unable to act. Or see myself as falling short of being able to achieve that act that I have been inspired to do. Fear again. Always controlling me. 

I need to just do. And be. Be. In Jesus. Do. Act on my inspirations. Don't let fear have a chance to catch up to my aspirations. It's hard. It's a goal. Through prayer. It's a good start. 

Although in some situations, there's no immediate action to be taken. Watching someone you love suffer and there's nothing you can do about it but pray. Maybe there's a lesson for me here. By saying that, there's nothing I can do but pray - I'm framing it as last ditch. Only because I've tried everything else. Only because there's nothing I can physically do to help. Then. Only then I guess god should be summoned. 

Prayer should be my first response. Not my last. And no one in their right mind would save the most hopeful rescue for last. God is our most hopeful sure rescue. Not ourselves. So why do I lean so hard on my own action. 

Maybe action isn't what I need. Maybe it's dependence. On god. And prayer. 

Or maybe I'm depressed because I need action and I don't take it. Getting on my knees is action. It's not passive. Or last ditch. 

My action needs to be active prayer. Petitioning. Asking. Praising. Swearing. Getting mad at god because he can handle it. Why do I feel like this god! Why did you make me so complicated. Why did you make me have an amazing life but feel so sad all the time and anxious worried and fearful. Why did you make her suffer. Him suffer. Why do I have so many nightmares all the time. Why am I so haunted by myself. 

Praising. Because no matter how many questions comments and accusations I have floating around in my mind, he will always love me. Surround me with his patience. And accept me once my voice is lost and fists are hurting and tired eyes finally shut. Because "in all things" he will work it out for the good of me. Good - I can't define. Learning lessons, teaching others lessons, bringing him glory - all good. Even if it appears bad to me. 

Everything is complicated. But god loves me. That's simple. 

Be who you want to be.

I am deciding in this moment, that life is too short to be someone you don't want to be. People have expectations of you, whether you like it or not. Some blatant, some subtle. Some people just follow the crowd because it's what they feel is proper and right and meant to happen. Some people accept these expectations as reality. Culture and society has expectations for you also. Telling you who you ought to be, how you should think, feel and act.

How freeing is it to realise you don't HAVE to be a certain way. That you can just be yourself. The way god perfectly made you to be.

Of course, there are always those wierdos who read something and jump to the worst conclusions. Okay so you don't HAVE to conform... therefore I'm not going to be polite like Canadian culture, or loving like the bible says, or I'm not going to work like everyone else but rather bum off my friends my whole life... Okay people. Don't quit working. Work isn't a bad thing. But maybe you need to quit your job and find a new one, a better fit. Don't stop being polite. But maybe you need to start standing up for yourself more often, not letting people walk all over you. Obviously, don't take this as a licence to break the law and go insane.

I'm talking about going barefoot because shoes are too restricting.
Eating McDonalds because you want to.
Telling your friends you love them even if it's awkward.
Acting 21 because that's my age.
Not going on Facebook, just because everyone and their mom is on it... even if it is more convenient.
Playing the tambourine in the church band, because hey... it's a sweet instrument.
Making peace with your body and all the parts you used to hate.
Being transparent with your beliefs, speaking your mind, and sharing ideas.
Never apologizing for tears or emotions, let yourself feel.
Be hyper. Be outgoing. Be quiet. Be alone if you want to be alone.


Whatever it is. Just be free. Be you. You were not an accident. You were made the way you are for a purpose.

Personally...

For the past few years this blog has been a place I have talked about my struggles, and my discoveries of grace. But at last, I feel like I have been too impersonal. Maybe I have bore my heart, or maybe I have held back too many mysteries about who I am, my life and circumstances. I was about to start a brand new blog for personal use and exploration. But this page will do just fine, as well as any other. I had debated giving up on this electronic writing, as I am a strong believer in paper, but paper is personal. Kept on a cluttered shelf in my room, to be read by me, and me alone... maybe my daughter one day. But really, it's a hidden hobby. There's some excitement to be had, knowing that someone out there might stumble across your electronic memoir, a tinge of purpose. Of course, some details are meant for paper... meant for privacy. Those thoughts and happenings will stay on my shelf. But for the rest... here it is, personally.

Some days gravity feels heavier than others

I have a lot of feelings and thoughts welling up inside of me, but I choose to keep them there, hidden from being misunderstood. Is that a way to live? I want to choose vulnerability, transparency. I want to share my heart, the flowers and stains of my soul, the good and bad. The battle for me rages inside, a constant tension between what I know, and what I feel. I know I am loved, I feel despair. I know I am surrounded by people who care about me, I feel alone. I know I have purpose,  I feel useless. A never ending game of tug of war between my flesh and my spirit. I do what I do not want to do, I do not do what I wish to do. I feel like I have all this purpose and passion under my skin but it won't translate. It's like a damp blanket has been placed on top of my fire, extinguishing all that hot fiery ambition I know is under there, existing but never blooming. I feel tired, downcast, and helpless to express myself, like an uncontrollable apathy. Fear surrounds me.

I cannot dwell on the negative thoughts I constantly struggle to submit to the cross. My God is one who comforts the downcast. "It is finished", may I let those words land on my bones for the nights like tonight when fear tells me the cross was a beginning and I must finish grace. My prayer tonight is to be like Paul, who I admire for his relentless ability to persevere in trial. Trial will always persist in this life, but so will my hope. Though my faith may be small at times, forgotten about, swept under the rug to collect dust... I will search again, dust it off, and hold fast to this hope that is Jesus. Strengthen what still remains and is about to die.

"We are half hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C. S. Lewis

I need space.

I know I usually use this space to talk about specific topics that are on my mind that have to do with God and the bible... but right now I just need to use this space to get my thoughts out. I just need this space.

I feel like the past month I've been in a daze, where I wasn't in reality. I went to Phoenix on vacation, I went to Edmonton for a weekend, I spent tons of time with my boyfriend who was leaving for Europe. There was no stress. It was all just being in relationships, going to church, being with god... I had lots of time to read and be still. It was like a break I desperately needed yes, but now I feel like I'm thrown back into reality which is real life. My boyfriend is gone for a few months, I'm getting into the rhythm of working, getting busy with plans, ministry, being in a friend's wedding. All good things. But, the anxiety is creeping in. Getting away from life, I got away from my worries and anxieties, it was an escape. But being 'back', I feel so anxious. I feel so off. Stressed and I don't know why. I feel so anti social. Like I just need to get away again. Find quiet. I can't live this way. I feel so distracted. Like I can't focus on one thing. Like I can't focus on anything. But I can't just run away from life... It will always be there. I feel like escaping into the world doesn't work. I need to run into God.

I need, need that rest only God provides. I think I am realizing I need alone time with God more than I have in my daily routine. I need to get back to that secret place where our hearts meet. I need to quiet myself. Collect my thoughts, talk to God about everything going on. I think, this is what will sustain me. My relationship with God. It provides me rest, peace, collection... the deeper I go with him, the more I realize I need him. It's not so much escaping the world, but escaping to that secret place. Slowing down my pace, meeting with God and resting in him.

"Be still and know I am God."

Childlike joy, Reverence, and Dying for your faith: a YC recap.

This past weekend was absolutely god orchestrated and designed. We spend the past three days in the city of Edmonton at the annual youth convention. We had amazing speakers and musicians share, as we had the opportunity to learn much. It was a good weekend for our youth as well as the leaders that accompanied. Personally, it was exactly what I needed. 

There were some prominent themes that showed themselves. Here's a few highlights and quotes:

1. Having childlike joy and peace. Going back to your first love. Was there a time when you lived bold for Christ, and somehow you lost it over time? Life or ministry wearing you down? Was there a time when you could rest in Gods promises, and now you are filled with anxiety and worry. It's like the coo of a child in his mothers arms. Psalm 131 - my heart is not lifted up... But I have calmed and quieted my soul... Like a child with its mother (Paraphrasing). Are you in a panic state because you are trying to figure everything out on your own? God is searching for you. For someone to support. He loves to support you. Rest in him. Get back to the "god and me mentality". Revelations 3 - strengthen what remains and is about to die. There is still hope. 

2. When you pray. See god. Who are you praying to? Who are you talking to? Remember who god is! Read Isaiah 6. The description of god on his throne in all his glory. Bring back the reverence. Don't be casual in prayer. Pray often, but fear The Lord! As he alone is holy - set apart. Different from us. What does Isaiah do when he enters gods presence and sees him shining? He covers his face as he is unworthy. That is me. I am unworthy to even look upon his shining face. But how does god respond? With saying your sin is atoned for. You are forgiven! Covered! It is finished! He is faithful and just to cleanse you of all unrighteousness.

When you get to heaven will god say well done my good and faithful servant or will he say, depart from me for I never knew you?

3. What does it really mean to die for your faith? To be willing to die to Jesus' name.  We listened to an unnamed speaker who worked in an unnamed country where to share to gospel is to accept the death sentence. Unreal. He watched 9 of his friends die for what they believed. They smuggled in thousands of bibles. Put thier lives at risk. Him and his family had to flee because his name was placed on a hit list. He understood the cost. Do we? John 15:13 - no greater love than one who lies down his life for his friends. For others. For the cause. For Christ. 

"If his love was the ocean and the clouds a scroll and you dipped your pen in the ink of the seas and wrote his love in the clouds. You would run the waters dry."

"Teach us to say, whatever comes our way, it is well with my soul."

"Be not afraid, for I go with you. I go before you. Start living the life you were called to."

"His presence is the promise in the process."

God's presence is not a theory.

"Patiently you let me unfold, just in time, you opened up my ribs and played your melody, when my brokenness was all I saw in front of me. You took my robes of shame, and covered me with praise. You never quit, you never let me go."

Sunday we heard a message about Courage and making decisions. Focused on the story of Joshua. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9. We learned from the teaching that courage rests on 1) a clear assignment (courage cannot exist without a mission), 2) the assurance of God's presence - no where in the bible does God call someone or send someone out without assuring that he will be with them. God's presence is not a theory. 3) Courage takes a focused determination... by taking steps of faith, you build faith, by taking steps of courage, you build courage. Courage ignites courage. Never does it say it will be easy, there will be opposition, without opposition courage would never have an opportunity. Do you think the forces of darkness are going to sit back while you do God's will...? No. We are in warfare, and prayer is the war time walkie talkie, God is commander. Lastly, 4) courage is resourced by the word of God. Meditate on it, hide it in your heart. Today's scripture reading will be tomorrow's test. Prepare yourselves! We then don't only do what God says, but we become what God says. Success is defined as following, loving, reading the word.

Thinking about this recap of Sunday's message, I remember the preacher asked, "What are you meant to do?" "What is your calling?"... For me personally, I feel like I ask myself this question way too often. What is the plan God? Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? And yet do I sit and listen to the answer he is actually giving me? or do I expect a certain answer and look for that and close my ears to all else? I feel like God is telling me... Emilie, Bloom where you are planted. He is the gardener after all. He plants people for a reason. I do often feel left behind, with an eagerness to go... move, run, fly. But... time and time again He reminds me that I am where I am for a reason. This is not for everyone. Some people may hear the words "go forth"... but for me in this time and season, I am planted where I am planted. It is God orcastrated that I am working the job I am working, that I have the friends I have, that I go to the school I go to. Bloom where you are planted. Trust me. I will release you when my time clears. (if at all... I don't know). I can't keep asking God what do you want me to do?! I already know what I'm supposed to do. Pray, give thanks, preach the gospel, show love, work hard, learn about him, live in community. For me, this takes courage. Courage to trust that God has me where I'm meant to be. Courage to push past doubt. Courage to fight the desires of this culture and world. Courage to be a bible loving, Christ following believer in my work, school and relationships. "Be strong and courageous"... I am with you. Be determined, be full of purpose. Dig into me and my word.

This is my "calling". Jesus - help me to live in a way where I am radically dependent on and desperate for the power only you can provide.

In Matthew 11 Jesus says "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"... and in Matthew 7 he says "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will y our Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Here is another quote from the book I am reading Radical by David Platt... "Think about it this way. Maybe you are going through a struggle in your life. A tragedy strikes you or someone close to you, and you are hurting. So you go to God in prayer and you ask him to comfort you. Do you realize what God does? He doesn't give you comfort. Instead he gives you the Holy Spirit, who is called the Comforter. The holy spirit literally comes to dwell in you and puts the very comfort of Christ inside you as you walk through your pain."

He literally promises us all the resources of heaven waiting for the people of God who desire to make much of him in this world.

What does it really mean?

What does it really mean to do things on God's strength? Growing up in the church, you hear this a lot. Don't rely on your own strength but on God's... I'm sorry but this is so out there for me. I don't think in vague statements. I just can't wrap my head around it. And in my experience, people don't take the time to actually explain what they mean. Even though 99% of the time, people who say this to you are well intended. So what do people really mean when they say that I can actually draw on Jesus' strength?

I am realizing prayer plays a huge part. Even a simple prayer, such as, "God change my desires, change my heart". When you try to do things on your own strength, you muster up all the courage, all the love, all the ability you need to accomplish what ever it is. But that's just it... it's "mustered up", it's gathered from inside you rather than from beyond you. It's like you just pull up your own shorts and "try to love that person more who gets on your nerves", or "just be more bold when sharing the gospel with those people at work or school", or "just be better, try harder, do more." There are millions of examples that this could apply to.

But it's not about finding strength within you. It's about saying, God... I don't have the ability to love that person who annoys me. Change my heart towards them, help me want to love them, help me to actually love them. I don't have the ability to be courageous in sharing the gospel, but God be the courage in me. Change my heart to desire to take that risk. Change my deepest desires. Not just surface level courage that lasts the first 30 seconds and quickly fades once they start to debate with me. But deep longing for them to know the Christ I know. The difference is that when doing things on your own strength, you are forcing yourself to do something you actually don't want to do, or can't do. But when you draw on God's strength, he will change you from the inside out. You will start to find joy in loving that person who used to annoy you. Your fear of man will slowly shrink as you start to share the gospel. You will find the ability to do something you never thought you could ever be able to do before you prayed that prayer. You will look back at your life and realize that without God none of that would have been possible. He gets the glory. It puts all the burden on God. (You still have to pray and seek him, yes you have a role) but it's freeing knowing he will work in you and you don't have to try harder to be a "better christian". His burden is light, so cast it all on him!

The modern day gospel says, "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved." Meanwhile, the biblical gospel says, "You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, and in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do".

Quote from Radical, by David Platt


I'm still learning about what this all means. How do I use God's strength instead of mine? In real tangible ways. If you have any suggestions or things to add. Stories or comments about what you've learned and what you've experienced. Please leave them below... or in the comment section on facebook. I'd love to learn from you and with you!

Oceans; this song is my prayer.

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, my feet may fail.
And there I find you, in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand.

I will call upon your name.
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am yours, and you are mine.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign hand will be my guide.
My feet may fail and fear surrounds me.
You've never failed and you won't start now.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.

Do what ever it takes. 

Parable of the Talents

14 “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. 15 To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag,[a] each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. 17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. 18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.

19 “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20 The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’

21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

22 “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’

23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’

26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. 29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 30 And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Matthew 25: 14-30

Do I want to be like the servant who takes what the master has given me and hides it in the ground to do nothing with it? God has given each of us specific gifts and abilities to use for his purpose. Don't hid them in fear of God's character. That's what this third servant in the story did. He said to the master, "I knew you are a hard man... and I was afraid". Afraid of what? Disappointing God? Fear of what man will think? In the message it says the servant thought the master "demanded the best and made no allowance for errors". Which really does not accurately reflect the heart of God. You won't make mistakes when you don't try. But God doesn't call us to live so cautiously. But to take risks, knowing that even if we aren't safe in the physical, we are safe in Him. Safe in our salvation. So use the talents God has given you. Glorify God with them. Because if you are faithful to God in little, you will be faithful to Him in abundance. You start off small. Start with what God has placed right in front of you, in the abilities you do have. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have... now. 

Anxiety.

I feel very anxious today. Like there's something I should be doing, or I'm missing something. Why? I have gone over my to do list over and over. I'm not behind in school, I'm not forgetting anything important. Every physical thing is in order. Why do I feel this way then? I don't know. I hate feeling this way when I don't know why. It's like unease, like I'm anticipating something. It's a terrible feeling. It's in my head and in my heart. It hurts physically and mentally. What do I do...


Philippians 4:6-8
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

Matthew 6:31-34
"Do not be anxious then, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'With what shall we clothe ourselves?' "For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:27
"And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span?

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."

God - help me.