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Laying awake at night, should probably try and sleep, the idea of waking up in a few hours to go to work is daunting. Why do I live with so much fear. Anxiety. It's like a blanket on top of who I really am and I'm suffocating. But I ignore the only thing that can really set me free. I need to get into Jesus again. Not out of duty or guilt or need even. Just because I want to. Desire is driving for me. I need to have desire again for Christ. It doesn't matter how much I need something, if I don't want it, I'll never reach out and grab it. 

I'm scared I will live my whole life behind other peoples quotes. I want to read thoughts of others to learn but I want to experience life for myself. I don't always want to read about the experiences of others, I want to be the one people quote. One day. I feel dumb sometimes, like I have no original thought to offer. And maybe that's true. But I can't always live my life on Instagram, or trying to capture the moment to relive it later - sometimes the camera needs to put down and the phone needs to be put away, and life just needs to be lived. 

"To change the world you must be different from the world". There. Another quote. But it inspires me. Maybe Pinterest and quotes like this serve purpose. To inspire. As long as I act on those inspirations. I feel like I am depressed because I am easily inspired but not readily to act. Or unable to act. Or see myself as falling short of being able to achieve that act that I have been inspired to do. Fear again. Always controlling me. 

I need to just do. And be. Be. In Jesus. Do. Act on my inspirations. Don't let fear have a chance to catch up to my aspirations. It's hard. It's a goal. Through prayer. It's a good start. 

Although in some situations, there's no immediate action to be taken. Watching someone you love suffer and there's nothing you can do about it but pray. Maybe there's a lesson for me here. By saying that, there's nothing I can do but pray - I'm framing it as last ditch. Only because I've tried everything else. Only because there's nothing I can physically do to help. Then. Only then I guess god should be summoned. 

Prayer should be my first response. Not my last. And no one in their right mind would save the most hopeful rescue for last. God is our most hopeful sure rescue. Not ourselves. So why do I lean so hard on my own action. 

Maybe action isn't what I need. Maybe it's dependence. On god. And prayer. 

Or maybe I'm depressed because I need action and I don't take it. Getting on my knees is action. It's not passive. Or last ditch. 

My action needs to be active prayer. Petitioning. Asking. Praising. Swearing. Getting mad at god because he can handle it. Why do I feel like this god! Why did you make me so complicated. Why did you make me have an amazing life but feel so sad all the time and anxious worried and fearful. Why did you make her suffer. Him suffer. Why do I have so many nightmares all the time. Why am I so haunted by myself. 

Praising. Because no matter how many questions comments and accusations I have floating around in my mind, he will always love me. Surround me with his patience. And accept me once my voice is lost and fists are hurting and tired eyes finally shut. Because "in all things" he will work it out for the good of me. Good - I can't define. Learning lessons, teaching others lessons, bringing him glory - all good. Even if it appears bad to me. 

Everything is complicated. But god loves me. That's simple.