I have a lot of feelings and thoughts welling up inside of me, but I choose to keep them there, hidden from being misunderstood. Is that a way to live? I want to choose vulnerability, transparency. I want to share my heart, the flowers and stains of my soul, the good and bad. The battle for me rages inside, a constant tension between what I know, and what I feel. I know I am loved, I feel despair. I know I am surrounded by people who care about me, I feel alone. I know I have purpose, I feel useless. A never ending game of tug of war between my flesh and my spirit. I do what I do not want to do, I do not do what I wish to do. I feel like I have all this purpose and passion under my skin but it won't translate. It's like a damp blanket has been placed on top of my fire, extinguishing all that hot fiery ambition I know is under there, existing but never blooming. I feel tired, downcast, and helpless to express myself, like an uncontrollable apathy. Fear surrounds me.
I cannot dwell on the negative thoughts I constantly struggle to submit to the cross. My God is one who comforts the downcast. "It is finished", may I let those words land on my bones for the nights like tonight when fear tells me the cross was a beginning and I must finish grace. My prayer tonight is to be like Paul, who I admire for his relentless ability to persevere in trial. Trial will always persist in this life, but so will my hope. Though my faith may be small at times, forgotten about, swept under the rug to collect dust... I will search again, dust it off, and hold fast to this hope that is Jesus. Strengthen what still remains and is about to die.
"We are half hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C. S. Lewis
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