Out of Want

Sometimes there are no words for how you feel. Sometimes the way life makes you feel, there are no words. I am speechless before God. It's like he absorbs all my unspoken anger, doubt and tears, silently loving me all the while. My latest aversion to church is slowly decreasing, but still remains. Why do I desperately want to avoid corporate community? Am I afraid of letting my true self show at church, letting my friends and community see my real tears. Maybe I am afraid I will scream at the alter of God and be judged. I want to just melt into my sofa with tears running down my face, and take in the worship music filling my ears from my stereo a few feet away. Alone with God, and all my mess. But I need people too. I need encouragement, and sharpening from the others I choose to walk with. This I know, but I am finding it difficult to walk out in actuality. I am afraid my doubt will damage the church, that it will damage me, if I show it to other people. I am afraid of cliché answers and phrases that are empty. I don't want to be responsible for other people's doubt. I don't want my doubt to become their doubt.

I promised myself in November that I would not do anything because I feel that I "should". That included reading my bible and praying. Today was the first day I felt that I "wanted" to. Reading a blog post from a woman I have never met, about her journey with MS. Prayers seem to seep out of me.

Today is the first day in months, I actually want to read the word. Not out of duty or obligation, but because my desire for God is heavier than my anger and doubt and fear and depression and anxiety and sadness. I miss you God. I miss letting myself run to you.