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Laying awake at night, should probably try and sleep, the idea of waking up in a few hours to go to work is daunting. Why do I live with so much fear. Anxiety. It's like a blanket on top of who I really am and I'm suffocating. But I ignore the only thing that can really set me free. I need to get into Jesus again. Not out of duty or guilt or need even. Just because I want to. Desire is driving for me. I need to have desire again for Christ. It doesn't matter how much I need something, if I don't want it, I'll never reach out and grab it. 

I'm scared I will live my whole life behind other peoples quotes. I want to read thoughts of others to learn but I want to experience life for myself. I don't always want to read about the experiences of others, I want to be the one people quote. One day. I feel dumb sometimes, like I have no original thought to offer. And maybe that's true. But I can't always live my life on Instagram, or trying to capture the moment to relive it later - sometimes the camera needs to put down and the phone needs to be put away, and life just needs to be lived. 

"To change the world you must be different from the world". There. Another quote. But it inspires me. Maybe Pinterest and quotes like this serve purpose. To inspire. As long as I act on those inspirations. I feel like I am depressed because I am easily inspired but not readily to act. Or unable to act. Or see myself as falling short of being able to achieve that act that I have been inspired to do. Fear again. Always controlling me. 

I need to just do. And be. Be. In Jesus. Do. Act on my inspirations. Don't let fear have a chance to catch up to my aspirations. It's hard. It's a goal. Through prayer. It's a good start. 

Although in some situations, there's no immediate action to be taken. Watching someone you love suffer and there's nothing you can do about it but pray. Maybe there's a lesson for me here. By saying that, there's nothing I can do but pray - I'm framing it as last ditch. Only because I've tried everything else. Only because there's nothing I can physically do to help. Then. Only then I guess god should be summoned. 

Prayer should be my first response. Not my last. And no one in their right mind would save the most hopeful rescue for last. God is our most hopeful sure rescue. Not ourselves. So why do I lean so hard on my own action. 

Maybe action isn't what I need. Maybe it's dependence. On god. And prayer. 

Or maybe I'm depressed because I need action and I don't take it. Getting on my knees is action. It's not passive. Or last ditch. 

My action needs to be active prayer. Petitioning. Asking. Praising. Swearing. Getting mad at god because he can handle it. Why do I feel like this god! Why did you make me so complicated. Why did you make me have an amazing life but feel so sad all the time and anxious worried and fearful. Why did you make her suffer. Him suffer. Why do I have so many nightmares all the time. Why am I so haunted by myself. 

Praising. Because no matter how many questions comments and accusations I have floating around in my mind, he will always love me. Surround me with his patience. And accept me once my voice is lost and fists are hurting and tired eyes finally shut. Because "in all things" he will work it out for the good of me. Good - I can't define. Learning lessons, teaching others lessons, bringing him glory - all good. Even if it appears bad to me. 

Everything is complicated. But god loves me. That's simple. 

Be who you want to be.

I am deciding in this moment, that life is too short to be someone you don't want to be. People have expectations of you, whether you like it or not. Some blatant, some subtle. Some people just follow the crowd because it's what they feel is proper and right and meant to happen. Some people accept these expectations as reality. Culture and society has expectations for you also. Telling you who you ought to be, how you should think, feel and act.

How freeing is it to realise you don't HAVE to be a certain way. That you can just be yourself. The way god perfectly made you to be.

Of course, there are always those wierdos who read something and jump to the worst conclusions. Okay so you don't HAVE to conform... therefore I'm not going to be polite like Canadian culture, or loving like the bible says, or I'm not going to work like everyone else but rather bum off my friends my whole life... Okay people. Don't quit working. Work isn't a bad thing. But maybe you need to quit your job and find a new one, a better fit. Don't stop being polite. But maybe you need to start standing up for yourself more often, not letting people walk all over you. Obviously, don't take this as a licence to break the law and go insane.

I'm talking about going barefoot because shoes are too restricting.
Eating McDonalds because you want to.
Telling your friends you love them even if it's awkward.
Acting 21 because that's my age.
Not going on Facebook, just because everyone and their mom is on it... even if it is more convenient.
Playing the tambourine in the church band, because hey... it's a sweet instrument.
Making peace with your body and all the parts you used to hate.
Being transparent with your beliefs, speaking your mind, and sharing ideas.
Never apologizing for tears or emotions, let yourself feel.
Be hyper. Be outgoing. Be quiet. Be alone if you want to be alone.


Whatever it is. Just be free. Be you. You were not an accident. You were made the way you are for a purpose.

Personally...

For the past few years this blog has been a place I have talked about my struggles, and my discoveries of grace. But at last, I feel like I have been too impersonal. Maybe I have bore my heart, or maybe I have held back too many mysteries about who I am, my life and circumstances. I was about to start a brand new blog for personal use and exploration. But this page will do just fine, as well as any other. I had debated giving up on this electronic writing, as I am a strong believer in paper, but paper is personal. Kept on a cluttered shelf in my room, to be read by me, and me alone... maybe my daughter one day. But really, it's a hidden hobby. There's some excitement to be had, knowing that someone out there might stumble across your electronic memoir, a tinge of purpose. Of course, some details are meant for paper... meant for privacy. Those thoughts and happenings will stay on my shelf. But for the rest... here it is, personally.

Some days gravity feels heavier than others

I have a lot of feelings and thoughts welling up inside of me, but I choose to keep them there, hidden from being misunderstood. Is that a way to live? I want to choose vulnerability, transparency. I want to share my heart, the flowers and stains of my soul, the good and bad. The battle for me rages inside, a constant tension between what I know, and what I feel. I know I am loved, I feel despair. I know I am surrounded by people who care about me, I feel alone. I know I have purpose,  I feel useless. A never ending game of tug of war between my flesh and my spirit. I do what I do not want to do, I do not do what I wish to do. I feel like I have all this purpose and passion under my skin but it won't translate. It's like a damp blanket has been placed on top of my fire, extinguishing all that hot fiery ambition I know is under there, existing but never blooming. I feel tired, downcast, and helpless to express myself, like an uncontrollable apathy. Fear surrounds me.

I cannot dwell on the negative thoughts I constantly struggle to submit to the cross. My God is one who comforts the downcast. "It is finished", may I let those words land on my bones for the nights like tonight when fear tells me the cross was a beginning and I must finish grace. My prayer tonight is to be like Paul, who I admire for his relentless ability to persevere in trial. Trial will always persist in this life, but so will my hope. Though my faith may be small at times, forgotten about, swept under the rug to collect dust... I will search again, dust it off, and hold fast to this hope that is Jesus. Strengthen what still remains and is about to die.

"We are half hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C. S. Lewis

I need space.

I know I usually use this space to talk about specific topics that are on my mind that have to do with God and the bible... but right now I just need to use this space to get my thoughts out. I just need this space.

I feel like the past month I've been in a daze, where I wasn't in reality. I went to Phoenix on vacation, I went to Edmonton for a weekend, I spent tons of time with my boyfriend who was leaving for Europe. There was no stress. It was all just being in relationships, going to church, being with god... I had lots of time to read and be still. It was like a break I desperately needed yes, but now I feel like I'm thrown back into reality which is real life. My boyfriend is gone for a few months, I'm getting into the rhythm of working, getting busy with plans, ministry, being in a friend's wedding. All good things. But, the anxiety is creeping in. Getting away from life, I got away from my worries and anxieties, it was an escape. But being 'back', I feel so anxious. I feel so off. Stressed and I don't know why. I feel so anti social. Like I just need to get away again. Find quiet. I can't live this way. I feel so distracted. Like I can't focus on one thing. Like I can't focus on anything. But I can't just run away from life... It will always be there. I feel like escaping into the world doesn't work. I need to run into God.

I need, need that rest only God provides. I think I am realizing I need alone time with God more than I have in my daily routine. I need to get back to that secret place where our hearts meet. I need to quiet myself. Collect my thoughts, talk to God about everything going on. I think, this is what will sustain me. My relationship with God. It provides me rest, peace, collection... the deeper I go with him, the more I realize I need him. It's not so much escaping the world, but escaping to that secret place. Slowing down my pace, meeting with God and resting in him.

"Be still and know I am God."

Childlike joy, Reverence, and Dying for your faith: a YC recap.

This past weekend was absolutely god orchestrated and designed. We spend the past three days in the city of Edmonton at the annual youth convention. We had amazing speakers and musicians share, as we had the opportunity to learn much. It was a good weekend for our youth as well as the leaders that accompanied. Personally, it was exactly what I needed. 

There were some prominent themes that showed themselves. Here's a few highlights and quotes:

1. Having childlike joy and peace. Going back to your first love. Was there a time when you lived bold for Christ, and somehow you lost it over time? Life or ministry wearing you down? Was there a time when you could rest in Gods promises, and now you are filled with anxiety and worry. It's like the coo of a child in his mothers arms. Psalm 131 - my heart is not lifted up... But I have calmed and quieted my soul... Like a child with its mother (Paraphrasing). Are you in a panic state because you are trying to figure everything out on your own? God is searching for you. For someone to support. He loves to support you. Rest in him. Get back to the "god and me mentality". Revelations 3 - strengthen what remains and is about to die. There is still hope. 

2. When you pray. See god. Who are you praying to? Who are you talking to? Remember who god is! Read Isaiah 6. The description of god on his throne in all his glory. Bring back the reverence. Don't be casual in prayer. Pray often, but fear The Lord! As he alone is holy - set apart. Different from us. What does Isaiah do when he enters gods presence and sees him shining? He covers his face as he is unworthy. That is me. I am unworthy to even look upon his shining face. But how does god respond? With saying your sin is atoned for. You are forgiven! Covered! It is finished! He is faithful and just to cleanse you of all unrighteousness.

When you get to heaven will god say well done my good and faithful servant or will he say, depart from me for I never knew you?

3. What does it really mean to die for your faith? To be willing to die to Jesus' name.  We listened to an unnamed speaker who worked in an unnamed country where to share to gospel is to accept the death sentence. Unreal. He watched 9 of his friends die for what they believed. They smuggled in thousands of bibles. Put thier lives at risk. Him and his family had to flee because his name was placed on a hit list. He understood the cost. Do we? John 15:13 - no greater love than one who lies down his life for his friends. For others. For the cause. For Christ. 

"If his love was the ocean and the clouds a scroll and you dipped your pen in the ink of the seas and wrote his love in the clouds. You would run the waters dry."

"Teach us to say, whatever comes our way, it is well with my soul."

"Be not afraid, for I go with you. I go before you. Start living the life you were called to."

"His presence is the promise in the process."

God's presence is not a theory.

"Patiently you let me unfold, just in time, you opened up my ribs and played your melody, when my brokenness was all I saw in front of me. You took my robes of shame, and covered me with praise. You never quit, you never let me go."

Sunday we heard a message about Courage and making decisions. Focused on the story of Joshua. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9. We learned from the teaching that courage rests on 1) a clear assignment (courage cannot exist without a mission), 2) the assurance of God's presence - no where in the bible does God call someone or send someone out without assuring that he will be with them. God's presence is not a theory. 3) Courage takes a focused determination... by taking steps of faith, you build faith, by taking steps of courage, you build courage. Courage ignites courage. Never does it say it will be easy, there will be opposition, without opposition courage would never have an opportunity. Do you think the forces of darkness are going to sit back while you do God's will...? No. We are in warfare, and prayer is the war time walkie talkie, God is commander. Lastly, 4) courage is resourced by the word of God. Meditate on it, hide it in your heart. Today's scripture reading will be tomorrow's test. Prepare yourselves! We then don't only do what God says, but we become what God says. Success is defined as following, loving, reading the word.

Thinking about this recap of Sunday's message, I remember the preacher asked, "What are you meant to do?" "What is your calling?"... For me personally, I feel like I ask myself this question way too often. What is the plan God? Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? And yet do I sit and listen to the answer he is actually giving me? or do I expect a certain answer and look for that and close my ears to all else? I feel like God is telling me... Emilie, Bloom where you are planted. He is the gardener after all. He plants people for a reason. I do often feel left behind, with an eagerness to go... move, run, fly. But... time and time again He reminds me that I am where I am for a reason. This is not for everyone. Some people may hear the words "go forth"... but for me in this time and season, I am planted where I am planted. It is God orcastrated that I am working the job I am working, that I have the friends I have, that I go to the school I go to. Bloom where you are planted. Trust me. I will release you when my time clears. (if at all... I don't know). I can't keep asking God what do you want me to do?! I already know what I'm supposed to do. Pray, give thanks, preach the gospel, show love, work hard, learn about him, live in community. For me, this takes courage. Courage to trust that God has me where I'm meant to be. Courage to push past doubt. Courage to fight the desires of this culture and world. Courage to be a bible loving, Christ following believer in my work, school and relationships. "Be strong and courageous"... I am with you. Be determined, be full of purpose. Dig into me and my word.

This is my "calling". Jesus - help me to live in a way where I am radically dependent on and desperate for the power only you can provide.

In Matthew 11 Jesus says "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"... and in Matthew 7 he says "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will y our Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Here is another quote from the book I am reading Radical by David Platt... "Think about it this way. Maybe you are going through a struggle in your life. A tragedy strikes you or someone close to you, and you are hurting. So you go to God in prayer and you ask him to comfort you. Do you realize what God does? He doesn't give you comfort. Instead he gives you the Holy Spirit, who is called the Comforter. The holy spirit literally comes to dwell in you and puts the very comfort of Christ inside you as you walk through your pain."

He literally promises us all the resources of heaven waiting for the people of God who desire to make much of him in this world.