What am I doing with my life?

I have so many things I could see myself doing with my career, but I don't have one specific goal. This morning I prayed that God would give me a dream, a goal or vision to work towards. I love my job right now, but that's all it is to me, a job, it's not where I want to stay forever. I need God to give me the opportunities and open the doors. Maybe not right now, but eventually. I need him to help me be satisfied where I am, and be an influence where I am for now, as I gain experience in the hospital setting. I can stay here for a few years. I also pray that the dreams in my heart would line up with the dreams he has for me. I'm going to use this space to brain storm some ideas.
I don't want to stay in the hospital setting forever, or even for a long time. It's not really my favourite thing. I find the shifts hard, working nights messes with my eating, my sleeping and my emotions… maybe it's just really bad right now because I've been struggling more than usual with feeling depressed and anxious. The stress emotionally of being responsible for someone's life… it's heavy. I can handle it, but it's a lot. The tasks I find repetitive and containing. Maybe it's a new grad thing, being so focused on completing tasks correctly… I just don't have a lot of room for my creativity to come out. Or even sometimes my empathy and compassion… there are moments, but I feel like it's stifled because I don't have time to really be compassionate, to sit and talk, to practice presence. I'm sure this will improve the faster I get at tasks, and the easier they become.
But when I think about what I loved about school it wasn't hospital, tasks, medications, patho and pharm… It was people. Working with communities. The class on upstream thinking, community development… that got me so excited, that got me talking about it to all my friends. Water sanitation, health for marginalized populations or developing countries, working with women and children. I also feel I have a knowledge gap when it comes to these sorts of jobs. I think it may be more complicated than I realize… western countries such as canada offering aide to developing worlds… is it our duty because we have been blessed, or is it prideful to think we can help. Is it really helping, or is it hindering, how can we help people, and countries to sustain themselves. There's a lot of factors that I really haven't researched.
Where do I belong? Why have I taken this 4 year degree for nursing, when it feels like 99% of nursing is in hospitals… but I am searching out that 1%, that allows me to apply my degree outside the box. I just don't know what that looks like. I feel anxious and impatient, like I am running out of time before my career needs to halt while I have a family. I know I am still young, but it worries me. That I won't be able to do what I want to do, or what God wants me to do. It sounds silly now that I write it, if it's in God's plan for me, it will happen, and even if I want something, but it's not in God's plan, do I really want that something to happen? Not really, no.
But I do know I was never gung-ho on the whole hospital nursing thing. Not for me, not for my whole career. But do not get me wrong, I am so blessed by my current job placement. I love it, I love the people there, the patients, the management is great. It's a great place to work and learn.

But what if there is more waiting for me?

I have tried to open doors and create opportunities for myself. But none seem to be working out.
I emailed a downtown nursing organization to see if I could do a shadow day, see what nursing in downtown Calgary would be like, working with the marginalized… they couldn't set up a shadow day for me unfortunately. Which is okay.
I have emailed various other organizations and places to set up shadow days, and none replied.

My dream would be to work for a world wide organization that aides in health, red cross, or world health… or even within Canada.
Some ideas I've had are disaster relief, working with youth in schools, or even ministry working with women and children.

I have no idea. It's a tad overwhelming, and I think too much about it. I have to remember that God has provided every single opportunity this far into my life. The last 3 jobs I have had. Even my final focus in last year of nursing school.. all was blatant blessing and direction from God. Does that mean that Cancer Care is where he wants me forever, or am I just here to learn and grow and I can try my hand at other things later in my career.

We will see I guess.

"Joy will not be rugged and durable and deep through suffering where there is not resolve to fight for it."

-j. Piper

I'm so depressed. I'm so anxious. I fear the gun my husband hunts with sitting in the basement, the rafters in my garage that could easily hang a rope, the pills in my medicine cabinet, knives in kitchen drawers. I can't stop these thoughts from coming in at least once a day. They scare me and I want them to stop. I never want to get to the dark place where these passing thoughts stay longer than a moment. Dear god. 

Maybe freedom isn't about being free from all hardship and responsibility. But it's moments of freedom added up together to create a great life.

 

How're you to know?

For all the air that's in your lungs, for all the joy that is to come, for all the things that you're alive to feel, just let the pain remind you hearts can heal. 

Untitled.

Laying awake at night, should probably try and sleep, the idea of waking up in a few hours to go to work is daunting. Why do I live with so much fear. Anxiety. It's like a blanket on top of who I really am and I'm suffocating. But I ignore the only thing that can really set me free. I need to get into Jesus again. Not out of duty or guilt or need even. Just because I want to. Desire is driving for me. I need to have desire again for Christ. It doesn't matter how much I need something, if I don't want it, I'll never reach out and grab it. 

I'm scared I will live my whole life behind other peoples quotes. I want to read thoughts of others to learn but I want to experience life for myself. I don't always want to read about the experiences of others, I want to be the one people quote. One day. I feel dumb sometimes, like I have no original thought to offer. And maybe that's true. But I can't always live my life on Instagram, or trying to capture the moment to relive it later - sometimes the camera needs to put down and the phone needs to be put away, and life just needs to be lived. 

"To change the world you must be different from the world". There. Another quote. But it inspires me. Maybe Pinterest and quotes like this serve purpose. To inspire. As long as I act on those inspirations. I feel like I am depressed because I am easily inspired but not readily to act. Or unable to act. Or see myself as falling short of being able to achieve that act that I have been inspired to do. Fear again. Always controlling me. 

I need to just do. And be. Be. In Jesus. Do. Act on my inspirations. Don't let fear have a chance to catch up to my aspirations. It's hard. It's a goal. Through prayer. It's a good start. 

Although in some situations, there's no immediate action to be taken. Watching someone you love suffer and there's nothing you can do about it but pray. Maybe there's a lesson for me here. By saying that, there's nothing I can do but pray - I'm framing it as last ditch. Only because I've tried everything else. Only because there's nothing I can physically do to help. Then. Only then I guess god should be summoned. 

Prayer should be my first response. Not my last. And no one in their right mind would save the most hopeful rescue for last. God is our most hopeful sure rescue. Not ourselves. So why do I lean so hard on my own action. 

Maybe action isn't what I need. Maybe it's dependence. On god. And prayer. 

Or maybe I'm depressed because I need action and I don't take it. Getting on my knees is action. It's not passive. Or last ditch. 

My action needs to be active prayer. Petitioning. Asking. Praising. Swearing. Getting mad at god because he can handle it. Why do I feel like this god! Why did you make me so complicated. Why did you make me have an amazing life but feel so sad all the time and anxious worried and fearful. Why did you make her suffer. Him suffer. Why do I have so many nightmares all the time. Why am I so haunted by myself. 

Praising. Because no matter how many questions comments and accusations I have floating around in my mind, he will always love me. Surround me with his patience. And accept me once my voice is lost and fists are hurting and tired eyes finally shut. Because "in all things" he will work it out for the good of me. Good - I can't define. Learning lessons, teaching others lessons, bringing him glory - all good. Even if it appears bad to me. 

Everything is complicated. But god loves me. That's simple. 

Be who you want to be.

I am deciding in this moment, that life is too short to be someone you don't want to be. People have expectations of you, whether you like it or not. Some blatant, some subtle. Some people just follow the crowd because it's what they feel is proper and right and meant to happen. Some people accept these expectations as reality. Culture and society has expectations for you also. Telling you who you ought to be, how you should think, feel and act.

How freeing is it to realise you don't HAVE to be a certain way. That you can just be yourself. The way god perfectly made you to be.

Of course, there are always those wierdos who read something and jump to the worst conclusions. Okay so you don't HAVE to conform... therefore I'm not going to be polite like Canadian culture, or loving like the bible says, or I'm not going to work like everyone else but rather bum off my friends my whole life... Okay people. Don't quit working. Work isn't a bad thing. But maybe you need to quit your job and find a new one, a better fit. Don't stop being polite. But maybe you need to start standing up for yourself more often, not letting people walk all over you. Obviously, don't take this as a licence to break the law and go insane.

I'm talking about going barefoot because shoes are too restricting.
Eating McDonalds because you want to.
Telling your friends you love them even if it's awkward.
Acting 21 because that's my age.
Not going on Facebook, just because everyone and their mom is on it... even if it is more convenient.
Playing the tambourine in the church band, because hey... it's a sweet instrument.
Making peace with your body and all the parts you used to hate.
Being transparent with your beliefs, speaking your mind, and sharing ideas.
Never apologizing for tears or emotions, let yourself feel.
Be hyper. Be outgoing. Be quiet. Be alone if you want to be alone.


Whatever it is. Just be free. Be you. You were not an accident. You were made the way you are for a purpose.

Personally...

For the past few years this blog has been a place I have talked about my struggles, and my discoveries of grace. But at last, I feel like I have been too impersonal. Maybe I have bore my heart, or maybe I have held back too many mysteries about who I am, my life and circumstances. I was about to start a brand new blog for personal use and exploration. But this page will do just fine, as well as any other. I had debated giving up on this electronic writing, as I am a strong believer in paper, but paper is personal. Kept on a cluttered shelf in my room, to be read by me, and me alone... maybe my daughter one day. But really, it's a hidden hobby. There's some excitement to be had, knowing that someone out there might stumble across your electronic memoir, a tinge of purpose. Of course, some details are meant for paper... meant for privacy. Those thoughts and happenings will stay on my shelf. But for the rest... here it is, personally.