Ester;

So I am going to pull out a super nerdy reference here and talk about the Lord of the Rings' Lamnus Bread (I am not certain on that spelling, but you know what I mean) and say that today I find that God is like Lamnus Bread. Even the tiny little sense of his presence fills me up. It doesn't have to be a huge show or production - but just quieting myself in font of the King and knowing that he is right beside me. It is really wonderful.
Feeling kinda down lately, I did not want to go to Worship today. But I should have known, because it was the best possible thing for me today. God always does that, When I don't want to go to church or worship or be around my friends he turns it into something super great in the end when I just listen to my spirit and go. I left feeling more encouraged and uplifted than when I went in. It was so refreshing, to take a break from the day and just spend time with God and worshiping him and praying with others. I was really encouraged by the prayers of my fellow U of C'ers. Thanks guys. They played my favorite song today too, and now it's in my head and I love it. =) Revelation Song... it's ze best.
On another note, I'm looking forward to Tehilla tonight - It should be good, I'm expecting God to move (Like he always does).
& in closing... I have been thinking a lot about Ester today - I want to be like her. She was such a Godly woman and not to mention she saved an entire race from death, she saved her people... Um pretty cool I think. She is my inspiration today. (Besides Jesus of course). She was put in the most unlikely of places and yet she was faithful and strong.
Anyways, I will make it through - thanks for your encouraging texts and prayers, I love you all. Be blessed.

Lets be honest here,

Before you read this, just a quick warning, this is full of feelings of discouragement and not alot of truth. I acknowledge this fact, not all of this may be biblically correct and what not - but I'm not saying how I feel is right - I'm just saying this is how I feel.

So... Lets be honest here, I'm not hesitant to write about good testimony, but when it comes to times where I walk through the valley I pause. Why? I don't fully know. I feel like I need to appear in a certain way to certain people. Is it wrong to admit you are struggling? Why do I feel like it is? Especially in leadership, I feel the need to be perfect... or appear perfect even when I'm not. I don't know what is right on the matter. This is exausting. I know I should strive to be like my perfect example who is Jesus, but I tend to lean more towards being perfect instead of being like Jesus. Does anyone understand what I mean by this? I focus on the action of being and appearing without flaw when in reality I just need to look to Jesus and try to be like him.

Well with this said, This week has not been a good one. I am realising that I cannot just deal with the symptoms but I have to go straight to the heart, and the root of the issue because if I don't... things will just resurface. Things like forgiveness. I am really struggling with forgiveness today. Not towards other people, I feel like I can forgive others pretty easily (or at least I ty to) but understanding the forgiveness that God has towards me. I feel like such a hypocrite because I can say to others that God is a forgiving God, He is a good God, but when I have to accept his forgiveness for myself, I just can't. I don't understand. When I mess up (And I know everybody does) it is really hard for me to just say sorry and accept that I am forgiven. Its not hard to repent because I love God and I can confidently say that I am really burdened when I go against what he says because I love him and I don't want to be like that. But accepting forgiveness after that fact... I just... I have a really hard time. I always feel the need to do something to make up for what mistakes I have done. I feel the need to pay a penance. I feel like it just cant be that easy. Why would God forgive me? I am a worthless sinner who is holding the map in one hand and chooses to go the opposite direction than what that map is telling me. I am a wind-up toy that keeps hitting the wall over and over again - walking into it and never turning around. This sounds harsh... but I am just such an idiot sometimes. & I know, I know, you don't have to tell me... I need to see myself as a Child of God, the way He sees me and stuff. I do know that. It just gets SO hard. It is like a constant struggle between what I know in my spirit to be solid truth of the word of God and my flesh, my head and my silly human emotions. It is like war that will never silence and the room will never stop spinning. Like seriously it sucks. And amoungst all of this I feel like a baby. Who doesn't really know anything. I feel like I just graze the surface of who God is and what his word really means. I feel stupid because I am struggling with things like forgiveness instead of stuggling with more complicated and complex things like the differences and truth behind the doctorines of Calvinism and Armaneanism. (When really, right now... I just... Don't care.) Is this bad? I don't know! And I feel like my problems, and my stuggles are just so dumb! Like, people around the world are dying because they don't have enough food and water to make it through and I am worried about this?! Somedays I just want to ask... What is wrong with me? And whoever said being a Christ follower - A Jesus lover was easy was so wrong. It is the hardest balencing act you will ever have to perform. Its a brutal battle that seems to never end. It is a race where you are running and running and running... But after all this is said, I need to quiet myself in this chaos of my mind and remember that there is a final act, this war will be won and there is a finish line. Jesus is the finish line, the prize at the end, and the hero to my story.

Am I ranting? I don't know. Does anyone read this? I don't care. I just need to write it down because I think clearer when I do. I'm very internal when it comes to my thoughts but writting it down helps. And seeing as I type faster than I can write... A blog it is. But anyways thanks for your time.

I'm going to spend this week in the scriptures. I need to just dive in. I've noticed this week was horrible because I stopped reading my bible for a while (mostly due to midterms - but still, its no excuse) and my life just crumbled. Go figure. So this is the part where I will find truth in all my untrue false ideas and confusion. I have all these questions... I'm going to bring them to God. Hopefully I will find clarity. Pray for me!

I love worship music.

Oh Happy day! Happy day! You washed my sins away! I'll never be the same!
I'm running to your arms, the riches of your love will always be enough!
Holy are you God, Holy is your name, with everything I've got, my heart will sing how I love you.
Holy fire burn away my desire for anything that is not of you, and is of me, I want more of you and less of me.
The ocean is growing, the tide is coming in, here it is! Here is our King, Here is our Love, Here is our God who's come to bring us back to him. He is the one, He is Jesus.
So I shout out your name, from the rooftops I proclaim that I am yours! I am yours! With all that I am I place into your loving hands and I am yours. Here I am, I stand with arms wide open to the One, the Son the Everlasting God.
Behold you have come, Over the hills, upon the mountain, to me you have run, my Beloved you've captured my heart. Won't you dance with me oh lover of my soul? To the song of all songs.
What can I do with my obsession? My heart burns for you. Keep me burning with fire of your love.

How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure, That he should give his only son to make a wretch his treasure.

Into marvelous light I'm running, Out of darkness out of shame, by the cross you are the truth you are the life you are the way! Sin has lost it's power, death has lost it's sting, from the grave you've risen Victoriously!

My soul sings how I love you.
I found a love greater than life it's self.
I need you more, more than yesterday, I need you more, more than ever before.
Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free.
I love you more than life.
Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, Our God is higher than any other.
Living rain come again, over my life, over my land, Living rain wash my heart again.
I'm getting into you because you got to me in a way words can't describe.
I called, You answered, And you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are.
Fire fall down.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all.
He is jealous for me, Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. And all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. He is our portion and we are his prize drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes, if love is an ocean, we're all sinking haha! and heaven meet earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way you love me.

Nothing can separate, even if I ran away. Your love never fails.
I don't wanna talk about you, like you're not in the room. I wanna look right at you, wanna sing right to you.
All consuming fire, You're our hearts desire, Living flame of love come baptize us. We wanna know how high, how deep, how wide is love love love?

A few random thoughts and ideas mushed together in one big long blog.

Thought of the day: Are you in love?
Have you ever met someone who was in love? Someone who was head over heels, can’t eat, can’t sleep kind of in love? They talk about that other person all the time. “Oh he did this…” or “He is this way…” or “I love it when he…” That person is always on their mind and it comes up in conversation! They just can’t help it.
Are you that in love with Jesus? That you just can’t get him off your mind? That you talk about him all the time? Think about that. Just, Food for thought.

Reminder of the day: He will never fail, change or leave.
Things around me may change. People will come and go. People will persecute and seek to hurt me. There will be times of sadness, worry, anxiety and fear. I may experience depression and my heart may feel broken. I won’t always have the right words to say or do the right thing. There might be a time when I feel like the darkness out weighs the light.
BUT You will always remain the same. You are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. No matter what is going on around me, how I feel or what other people do. You alone are King.


Definition of the day: The definition of 'Refuge'
1. A Protection or Shelter
2. A sense of Help, Relief or Comfort
I take refuge in you, and only in you.


Quote of the day:
"Keep me burning with the fire of your love."
-Delirious?


Update of the day: Last night at Tehilla
I had a very different experience with God, I don't know if I can even put it into words, or even if I'm supposed to. It was like a throne room presence. Like a thick and heavy cloud. The kind of presence that makes you weak at the knees and your legs go numb and you can't find the words to say so all you can do is fall to your knees in awe of the Creator.

Prayer of the day: Being real.
I don't want to be fake. I don't want my relationship with God to be fake. I pray that it would be genuine and real and not based off emotions or feelings or any of my human-ness. I want the kind of faith that lasts and stands.


Scripture of the day: Matthew 6:7
"And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."
It goes back to being real and genuine. I don't want to use the over-used and cliche lingo of today's Christian culture. I want my prayers to be from my heart to God. I want my prayers to be real and effective.


Song of the day: In Christ alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnWw24s5gG8


Requests of the day: I need prayer!
Prayer for my relationships (family, friends, the girls I mentor and people I don't like!), my new job, hearing God's voice and trusting in it!

Thank you all so much! When I say 'all', I mean all two of you two read my blog. =)

Be blessed.

Untitled.

Why God, is life so hard?