Lets be honest here,

Before you read this, just a quick warning, this is full of feelings of discouragement and not alot of truth. I acknowledge this fact, not all of this may be biblically correct and what not - but I'm not saying how I feel is right - I'm just saying this is how I feel.

So... Lets be honest here, I'm not hesitant to write about good testimony, but when it comes to times where I walk through the valley I pause. Why? I don't fully know. I feel like I need to appear in a certain way to certain people. Is it wrong to admit you are struggling? Why do I feel like it is? Especially in leadership, I feel the need to be perfect... or appear perfect even when I'm not. I don't know what is right on the matter. This is exausting. I know I should strive to be like my perfect example who is Jesus, but I tend to lean more towards being perfect instead of being like Jesus. Does anyone understand what I mean by this? I focus on the action of being and appearing without flaw when in reality I just need to look to Jesus and try to be like him.

Well with this said, This week has not been a good one. I am realising that I cannot just deal with the symptoms but I have to go straight to the heart, and the root of the issue because if I don't... things will just resurface. Things like forgiveness. I am really struggling with forgiveness today. Not towards other people, I feel like I can forgive others pretty easily (or at least I ty to) but understanding the forgiveness that God has towards me. I feel like such a hypocrite because I can say to others that God is a forgiving God, He is a good God, but when I have to accept his forgiveness for myself, I just can't. I don't understand. When I mess up (And I know everybody does) it is really hard for me to just say sorry and accept that I am forgiven. Its not hard to repent because I love God and I can confidently say that I am really burdened when I go against what he says because I love him and I don't want to be like that. But accepting forgiveness after that fact... I just... I have a really hard time. I always feel the need to do something to make up for what mistakes I have done. I feel the need to pay a penance. I feel like it just cant be that easy. Why would God forgive me? I am a worthless sinner who is holding the map in one hand and chooses to go the opposite direction than what that map is telling me. I am a wind-up toy that keeps hitting the wall over and over again - walking into it and never turning around. This sounds harsh... but I am just such an idiot sometimes. & I know, I know, you don't have to tell me... I need to see myself as a Child of God, the way He sees me and stuff. I do know that. It just gets SO hard. It is like a constant struggle between what I know in my spirit to be solid truth of the word of God and my flesh, my head and my silly human emotions. It is like war that will never silence and the room will never stop spinning. Like seriously it sucks. And amoungst all of this I feel like a baby. Who doesn't really know anything. I feel like I just graze the surface of who God is and what his word really means. I feel stupid because I am struggling with things like forgiveness instead of stuggling with more complicated and complex things like the differences and truth behind the doctorines of Calvinism and Armaneanism. (When really, right now... I just... Don't care.) Is this bad? I don't know! And I feel like my problems, and my stuggles are just so dumb! Like, people around the world are dying because they don't have enough food and water to make it through and I am worried about this?! Somedays I just want to ask... What is wrong with me? And whoever said being a Christ follower - A Jesus lover was easy was so wrong. It is the hardest balencing act you will ever have to perform. Its a brutal battle that seems to never end. It is a race where you are running and running and running... But after all this is said, I need to quiet myself in this chaos of my mind and remember that there is a final act, this war will be won and there is a finish line. Jesus is the finish line, the prize at the end, and the hero to my story.

Am I ranting? I don't know. Does anyone read this? I don't care. I just need to write it down because I think clearer when I do. I'm very internal when it comes to my thoughts but writting it down helps. And seeing as I type faster than I can write... A blog it is. But anyways thanks for your time.

I'm going to spend this week in the scriptures. I need to just dive in. I've noticed this week was horrible because I stopped reading my bible for a while (mostly due to midterms - but still, its no excuse) and my life just crumbled. Go figure. So this is the part where I will find truth in all my untrue false ideas and confusion. I have all these questions... I'm going to bring them to God. Hopefully I will find clarity. Pray for me!