What goes on in my mind...

This may be the most sporadic blog post in existence, but it needs to happen. I have so many random things on my mind... and it's nearly one am, but I mean... when you feel the urge to write, you gotta just do it. Get it down. And when all your friends are sleeping (or should be), who can you vent to but a computer screen... (and Jesus).

Tonight was wonderful. I love conversation with other believers (very christiany term I know, but still). It is just so uplifting and encouraging. I think all I talked about tonight was God, Jesus and things of that matter, things related. I LOVE THAT. I love talking about things I love. I got called out tonight for a fault in my thinking, and I mean, no one likes how it feels to be told you're wrong... but I NEEDED it so bad. I was putting God in a box, and I can't do that! He's so much bigger than I make Him out to be. "Girl... stop putting God into a box, you need to stop"... so perfect. When you only have your thoughts... you can't step outside your thinking to see if your thinking is wrong... I needed a secondary voice to tell me. I left feeling... infinite... not because I am infinite, but He is. It's just one of those nights where it clicks... This probably isn't making sense to anyone but myself unless you were apart of this conversation. And it was the most random group of people in one conversation but so orchestrated perfectly for what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful.

Some scriptures that were shared were phenomenal.

Ephesians 4:1-6; I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Just ah. So great. 


Break me open, God in motion. 


Then driving home, just looking around... thinking of the things unseen. Listening to the song, that I love, and have listened to a thousand times or more. Set a Fire by Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band... Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain and I can't control. I want more of you God. I want more... I want more... Thinking about this. He gave EVERYTHING he had on the cross. His son sacrificially murdered. That is everything. Everything hinges on Jesus. I want more? In a sense, there is no more that he needs to give me. It's not about entitlement, about how He needs to provide ME with more... but actually I need to abide more in Him.  I want to abide more in Him... It's me. More of me needs to abide in Him. When he has already given me everything I need to do so. Hashtag boom. Does this make sense... I don't know. *disclamer: It's not that I need to do more works, or do better or be different to abide in Him. But invite him in, he gives me the strength and the grace to do so, and I get to take steps to abide more in him. It's not about glory to me, but glory to Him....

I was also thinking about fear. A huge fear I have is that I am wrong. Not in the sense that I am scared to being told I am wrong. But that my theology and thinking and way of living is wrong according to God's standards and the way the bible tells me I should live. That is why I need accountability of other Jesus lovers to tell me when something is off, when I'm wrong. I want the truth so bad. Not the truth that I want to accept, but the real truth. The absolute truth of Christ. 

Take a moment to remember who God is, and who I am (in him). There You go, lifting my load again. His yoke is easy. His burden is so light.

I also have been thinking about trust. Trusting God. I think a lot of people struggle with trusting Him. Even people in the bible, had a hard time trusting the very spoken word of Jesus himself. But I mean, I think that I can say I do trust God. I just don't trust my interpretation. I don't trust that when I hear something, that it IS from God... not from my own thoughts or another force. I think if I could be 100% sure that God was asking me to do something, I would do it. But... I can't recall any time where I had no doubt about that. I always struggle with is this really God? Maybe that has become an excuse to not acting on things he tells me to do. Hesitation to the point that the opportunity passes. I need to just test it. I need to look; does it line up biblicaly. Just step out in faith and do it. Not faith that God is asking you to do it for a specific reason, or that he will follow through. But faith that it is ACTUALLY God's voice speaking. You know? Bro.

I read this quote on pintrest... that was talking about fitness, and it said... "Wake up with determination to go to bed with satisfaction". Pondering this further, I really liked the quote. Not in the way as to seek out satisfaction in a selfish manner, but to work hard! Wake up with the determination and discipline to give Christ your all. To attack the day with 'fresh manna'. And that He will help you and give you the strength to take the necessary steps. Quite encouraging I'd say.

Jesus says in John, that "the Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life". Jesus' words ARE LIFE. yes.

I lift my hands. If my hands fail me, I will bend my knees. If my knees grow weak, I will raise my voice. I will sing, I will sing that You are good. 

Also, talking to a friend who just came home from missions tonight... he was talking about how when the rubber hits the road, that is when you get to really practice the things of your faith. How can you practice... say, patience... if you are never pushed to your limit with a situation that is calling for patience. How can you practice what you have learned without being put to the test. It's the same with nursing... if I learn how to give an injection... or put in an IV... how am I supposed to know if I can actually do it if I'm never put in a position where I need to use my skill. If I don't use it... I'll lose it. I wonder if it's the same with spiritual disciplines and practices. Like faith, patience, love, perseverance. How can I know that Jesus has cultivated these things in me if I never get an opportunity to show love... or prove my faith. Faith refined by fire. I know obviously there is a call to show love... all the time! But what about in those really really tough situations where it's so hard to love. Or it's extremely difficult to have faith through a dark time. 

Another friend of mine was telling me of one of the girls at her school who's mom just passed away from cancer. Terrible and tragic. Very sad. But she told me of the kind of faith this girl had... she lives thousands of miles away from me... but I have been impacted by hearing this - that's a pretty great influence she has. Anyways, the faith and perseverance and joy in suffering this girl is demonstrating has my friend astonished. You never know the strength God can give you until you are put in that situation. 

My mom is in the hospital right now, and that thought surely crossed my mind... what if that was me. How would I respond... Would I respond knowing Jesus has me. Has my mom. Or would I shut him out. I pray that God is preparing me and growing me to get to the point where situations and circumstances of life will not impact my faith for the negative, but again... refine by fire. I want to suffer with joy. That has been a theme as of late. (like in Peter)

So change of topic... again. But recently over the past few months, I've really felt a tug and a pull to read my bible more. It's been really really hard for me to find time to do so and then I feel so guilty and bad about not reading it enough. I mean that conviction to get into the word is definitely from God. I mean of course! But that guilt is not. And I read this the other day and it's Jesus talking to the pharasees. 
"You diligently study the scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life." John 5:39
It all points back to Jesus. It's all about him. It's not the book itself... but the man in the book. (don't get me wrong, I'm not down playing the importance of the bible or the scriptures). But the scriptures all point to Christ. 

Driving home tonight, all I could say was, "Jesus". What a name. What's in a name... a whole lot, that's for sure. 

Jesus, Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. 

It's now almost 1:30... and I have church in the morning... and finals this week... and I am probably about to get sick seeing as my boyfriend is quite ill and I have spent a lot of time with him... and not enough use of hand sanitizer (that's the nurse in me speaking)... I need sleep as well. 

I love nights like this. 

Trial and Sin.

I have found myself thinking very negative thoughts lately. Negative thoughts about myself and about who I am and what I stand for. I wish I wasn't the way I am. I wish I could just be like everyone else. I wish I could fit in and feel like I belong somewhere. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. I wish I could make this place feel like home. I wish I didn't look the way I did. I don't like being different. I don't like being weird. It hurts sometimes. Eventually these thoughts become consuming. They become normal. They begin to disguise themselves as truth. I believe them.

Then, lessons from 1 Peter. Chapter 1, Verse 1. Peter addresses the believers as "Elect strangers in the world", in another version, "Elect exiles". What does this mean?
Exiles: This world is not our home. It shouldn't be our home. It can't be our home. The moment we decide to live and die for Christ, we no longer play for the side of the world, but wage war against the world and all it stands for. Our home is with Jesus. This is temporary.
Elect: I was chosen by God before time. He knew I would sin, He knew He would send His Son to die because of MY sin. He knew all this, and He created me anyways. He loves me. You were loved before time began. He loved you first. He pursued you first. He chose you first. Why would he want to chose me? I am nothing. I am sinful and undesirable. Yet, because He alone is good, He did. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is. If he loved me before time began, there is nothing I can do to surprise him, and there is nothing He will do to fail me. And He's not finished with me. He's not finished with you.

When you live as an exile, you are a missionary not of this world. You will do love differently. You will do community differently. You understand sex, marriage, friendship differently. You do work and school differently. It means we are different. Not a curse, but a blessing - a privilege. Thank you Jesus for choosing us. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for calling me to be different... and weird. Help me to understand and live finding my value in You.

Yes, I am different. The world may say I am a freak, weird, strange. God says I am chosen. Same person, different perspectives. From what perspective will I find my value? So often I find it in fear of man, people pleasing.

"If your gaze is only to how the world responds to you, you will not live with any joy or you will sin and compromise in an effort to pursue joy where there is none to be had in the approval of those who do not love God. If you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, if you understand His great love for you, the fact that He has chosen you, that He will never leave you, that He will never forsake you, that He loved you before time began, that He loved you before he made the earth for you to walk on, that He loved you knowing you were a sinner, that He loved you before you loved Him, that He pursued you before you pursued Him, that He chose you before He chose you... you will have joy, and you will be able to live a life on earth patterned after the life of Jesus with the help of the Holy Spirit." -Pastor Mark Driscoll, Trial and Sin

If I fear man, finding my value in the thoughts of the world, I functionally serve the world as lord. Jesus, I repent as I have done this. Please God, help me to take down all idols in my life, and return everyday fresh to the foot of the cross where it's all about Jesus.

Love Emilie.

Perspective.

I really have been thinking a lot lately about perspective. I don't have the answers... the following is just an account of the things I think about.

What is perspective? My understanding is that it's the lens through which you see life. Something can be looked at many different ways. I can perceive something to be one way, while someone else could see something completely different. So then, what is truth? If everything is dependent on one's lens, then what is true? Because I for sure don't want to base my life off of someone's perspective of what is true, I want to follow the real truth. Does this even exist?

It's like that saying, "don't believe everything you think"... even our own thoughts can be distorted. I think that sin can distort one's perspective. The fact that we are sinful and evil distorts our perspective.

Reading Genesis today, it says that after Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the tree of good and evil, which God told them not to, it says that "their eyes were opened, and they realized they were naked" (Ch. 3, Vs. 7). Their perspective changed after sin entered their lives. It brought the lens of shame and fear among other things. They now had to cover themselves up, they hid from God. Things changed because of sin.

What sin in my life is distorting my vision? God - please reveal this to me. Please reveal to me the truth.

I find comfort in the fact that He says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." That is one thing I believe with my whole heart. That God, Jesus... is the truth. I want to see the world through that lens. I want to see the world, myself, the people around me, how God sees it. That is the perspective I want to have.And how I can gain that perspective is by reading the word. Because He is the Word, and He is true. So, that' s where I'm at.

True Fasting, And Bold Prayers.

"Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,
To set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear;
Then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday."
Isaiah 58

Lord, may I fast the kind of fasting that you desire. Not only a day to humble myself, but a fast that is acceptable to You. Use me oh Lord. I am yours. Help me to surrender everything. I know it is not within myself to be able to surrender all... but You oh God can help me and give me the strength I need to let go. Use my life to loose the chains of injustice and set the oppressed free. You alone can do this. You alone can break every chain and freedom is found in You. Give me eyes to see those who are hungry, and without shelter, naked and without clothes. Break my heart and make me compassionate. Like it says in Colossians 3; Help me to put on a compassionate heart, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, binding everything together with love. Soften my heart and give me faith. More than my ways, Your ways are higher, Your thoughts are higher. God hear my cries. Hear my cries when I am empty and alone - when I need you so badly. Make me whole again Father, nothing but your blood. I pray that the light inside me that is You will break forth like the dawn and healing will be an overflow of my life. A life that is saturated in You. Hear me and say Here am I. Even the darkness is not dark to you. God, fill my life with purpose. I need more of you... I need more. Give me perspective - I want to see what you see. I want to feel what you feel. I want to do what you do. I can't stop - I won't stop until I have you. I will not stop running. I will not stop fighting to be with you. I have finally found where I belong.

Change is coming.

Verse of the Day

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. (Colossians 3:12-16 ESV)

Tempted Versus Tested, And Personified Sin.

I was reading today in James 1. "When tempted, no one should say, God is tempting me. For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by this own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Verses 13-15 NIV

So then, what is the difference between being tempted and being tested? It says very clearly that God does not tempt us... but does he test us? What does this look like?

My observation from this verse is that temptation stems from our own evil desire. Since God has no evil desire, temptation cannot come from Him. The goal of temptation is to lead us into sinful action. That's not God's desire for us to sin.

I believe that temptation can come from within us (like this verse says - from our own evil desires), or from the devil who has come to kill, steal, and destroy. But I think so often we are quick to jump to the conclusion that satan is tempting us to sin, when in reality we are just sinful beings since the fall. (why we need a Savior) How many times have you said "The devil made me do it..." No. Just stop.

But, there are many examples in the bible where God's people were being tested by Him. Tested to confirm faith or prove commitment.

"Moses said to the people, Do not be afraid, God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning." Exodus 20:20
"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

On another note, I love how the author (James) describes sin so vividly. When we give into temptation we are essentially being dragged away and enticed. I can just imagine this in my mind... being dragged away by the darkness that is sin. I just see myself screaming and thrashing against it... (I hope I would thrash against sin). But sometimes it's enticing... sin seems so good. And at that point, I see myself walking into what I believe is love... only to find out it is death. And after desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin and when sin is full grown it gives birth to death. Ah... that is just a tad frightening; Full grown sin. I just want to personify these images. What does full grown sin look like? Do I want to know? No... not really. This is the romance story turned twisted. Love, desire, sex, birth, death. This is quite the picture. I want my love story to be quite the opposite. My first love. The desire that I have that leads to a close and intimate relationship with Jesus. Leading to the birth and growth of the fruits. This story ends in life, not death.

Anyways, I think better when I write.

I am the clay, You are the potter.

"The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words. So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of the Lord came to me: O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand." Jeremiah 18:1-6

When the text says the clay was "spoiled", what does this mean? My commentary says that the clay did not develop properly and needed to be reworked. The potter shaped and reshaped the wet clay to keep the developing vessel symmetrical as it seemed good to the potter.

Is there a time when I am like the spoiled clay? Basically all the time... I am in such need to my God to reshape who I am according to his will. It's not like the clay knows how to mold itself. It can't simply get up and change on it's own... that is physically impossible. As am I, I need You to change, transform and make me into the woman you want me to be. I don't want to be a lop-sided vessel, that is of no use. I don't want to be cracked and leaking water. Only You can make me whole.

I've never read this passage before... I like it. :)