Fervour.

I know I haven't written in a long time. Life has been hard, but I know that it's already starting to change. Life itself is not changing... because life will always be hard, but the way I see it is changing. My perspective is changing. God is always faithfully transforming my out look.

The awe factor is back. I went on a walk today, and just felt like I should go up to this hill. God was like, em, go see what I've created... and marvel at it. So I did. There are not really words that can describe how I feel. If you know what I mean, if you've experienced it, then you just know, you understand what I'm talking about. It's the kind of feeling that you just feel like crying and tears are streaming down your face, but at the same time you feel like laughing and dancing and screaming.

I could see the entire city from where I was. The sun, the moon, the sky, the grass had flowers in it, there was a small wood area with trees, there were animals all around me... strange enough. Rabbits, and birds, a robin flew by as well as a blue jay type looking bird. I could see everything. I could see my house, the hospital I work at, the mall I go to, the downtown core, the campus. God is the God of this city. He is the God of that.

I have been dreaming the dreams that I think I can accomplish. I have been dreaming small dreams. Fitting God into my dreams, instead of fitting my dreams to God. He is so much bigger than what I believe, He doesn't fit into this box that I've created.

I feel the renewed need, desire, necessity to push harder, walk farther, run faster and rely more on my creator. I often compare it to sports... because it's what I know. It's like when you are in that moment when you feel like you can't run anymore but your team is depending on you, and you just find the strength to push harder and complete that last lap or run the length of the field. It's like a strength you never knew you had until that moment. Until you look back and say to your self... wow, I ran how far? Its the adrenaline in your blood. I feel like God is my adrenaline... (so cheesy I know) but its so true. I feel like he is the thing that keeps me up and going, able to continue when I feel like I physically can't move.

I want to be the kind of person who is real. Genuine and legit for God. I can't conform to the way culture wants me to be. Even the 'christian' culture is not good enough.

I know that I am not looked over. I know that I am not forgotten. I may be quiet and shy and somewhat reserved on the outside, but on the inside my God is roaring like a lion, and I believe with my whole heart that He will use me in my personality type to change things. I often struggle with the fact that I'm not an 'otter'... I'm not as comfortable being outgoing. But I now realize that God needs people in the background too. He needs people like me to reach the other people who get looked over, to reach the people who feel like they have been forgotten. I know that I am called to a specific people group, to show the love of Jesus to those who are broken, hurting and rejected. Those people that others overlook. I see them. I see them, because I see Him. Break my heart for what breaks yours Father. Everyday, teach me something new. Expand my understanding of who you are and your scriptures and what they mean. Open my eyes to see your face and feel your presence. Because with out your presence, I'm not living.

If you are not involved, I don't want anything to do with it. Grant me the favor of your face.

There is so much more my heart wishes to say, yet I just can not compile all these thoughts into sentences. Haha, The way God makes me feel cannot be restricted to sentences.