Prepare me.

So It's only been half a day, and I have stuff to say.
I've been asking God to really reveal his Spirit to me. To give me more of the Holy Spirit in my life. Today I feel so light, so free. It's like a new found freedom. There is freedom where His Spirit resides. I can't stop thinking about him. It's like way more than ever before. When I woke up I was singing his praises, On the bus and on the train on my way to school I just felt his sweet presence. After a few hours of focusing on my studies I went back to thinking about Him... and you know what. It felt like ages since I last meditated on him. Its like I was deprived for those few hours. Even thoughts of my saviour are so refreshing and good to my soul and my heart. My heart loves it. I don't think I can get enough.

Today, I don't know why but I feel a deep desire to go.
Go where? I have no idea. Don't ask me. I don't have a clue. But I want to go. I want to go to all the world and spread the gospel. I know I'm called to so much more than the everyday grind. There is more to life than just; Wake up, Go to school/work, come home, go to bed. There is more. We are called to more.
But I feel like God is planting and stirring a longing to go where he leads, but right now I know with out a doubt that I am meant to be exactly where I am. Living in this City, In this house, Going to this school, in this program, going to this church. I just know. And even though I have a feeling like I want to go... I feel like God is just preparing me for some adventure he has planned out for later in life. Because I don't feel released from this place yet. This is his city too. There is much to be done here.
"Just wait child."

We set our gaze on you. We put our attention on you. All our love is for you. Your the reason that we breathe. Your the air that I breathe. You bring calm to the storm. You bring life to me. And I love you God. I love you God.

I... I... I just... I just don't have words.

I honestly am speechless. But if you could see me right now, I have the hugest smile on my face. God BLOWS me away. Honestly. Like... I am in utter awe. We serve that God. We serve THAT god! Like I am so stoked on life right now! I don't even think words can do anything justice at all... not even close!

I am never going back. I am never going to be the same. This is it. God is taking me to a new level.
I don't care what people think. They can think what they want, Because he is the only one I am looking at.

I just feel like laughing. Hhahahahaha!!! oh God you are so amazing. Your love is so good. Its so refreshing. You are so powerful. You have such impecible timing. The way you draw us in, you beckon. The way you speak and lure us into your arms. Haha. I love you!

Tonight I wittnessed first hand, The love of God move in people's lives. I saw the hand of God tonight. And the most AWESOME thing is... It's all him. He gets all the glory. Its all him. We give you the highest praise. :)

God contine to work, seal this on our hearts. Give us your spirit. When I wake up and when I walk around, when I sit down, and when I go to sleep, God shake my world. Continue this. I need more. I need you more, more than yesterday, I need you more, more than ever before. I need you Lord. Haha.

Seriously. Haha. Haha. Hahahahah. Hahaha. Hahahah. Hahaha. What the heck! :)

This week I think Im going to work on not caring what people think, Im going to try to step out of my comfort zone and pray that God will move. I am expecting him to move, to teach, to speak. I will update everyday on what goes downnn.

I need to not be a people pleaser, but work for his pleasure.

It's always been you.

I love how God works. I love how he speaks. Sometimes I just can't escape his teachings. I can't escape his love. He pokes and nudges me about the same thing over and over again until I understand. He is so patient with me. I've been noticing these 'Kingdom Coincidences' everywhere lately. Its like God needs me to get this, he wants me to comprehend becuase it's important.

Please

Can someone please explain to me how forgiveness works. I don't understand. I just don't get how someone like him can forgive someone like me. Blows my mind.

God's Word.

I seriously love the book of Psalms. It's so pretty.
"Blessed are all who take refuge in him."
"You have put more joy in my heart."
"In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord make me dwell in safety."
"Deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love."
"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are minful of him."
"O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart."
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
"I have a beautiful inheritance."
"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."
"In your presence there is fullness of joy."
"Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings."
"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horm of my salvation, my stronghold."
but the Lord was my support, He brought me out into a place where I can stand freely, he rescued me, because he delighted in me."
"The Lord my God lightens my darkness."
"Your right hand supported me, and  your gentleness made me great."
"The heavens declare the glory of God and the sky aboce proclaims his handiwork."
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfor me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil' my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
"The Lord is my light and my salvation, Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
"You have said, Seek my face, My heart says to you, Your face Lord do I seek, Hide not your face from me."
"Teach me your way O Lord and lead me on a level path."
"Wait for the Lord, Be stron and let your heart take courage."
"The Lord is my strength and my shield, in him my heart trusts and I am helped. My heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him."
"I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my afflictions, you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy, you have set my feel in a broad place."
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
"Your steadfast love, O Lord extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds."
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will act."
"He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds, He determines the number of the stars and he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord and abundant in power, His understanding is beyond measure."

Honestly...

There is so much on my mind right now... I just got home from a young adults retreat over the weekend and I have much to say.

So this past weekend... was amazing. I went into it not really even wanting to meet God there, and not expecing him to show up at all. Quite the opposite actually. But of course, like he always does, he just blew my expectations away. I love how he does that. How he works in such ways that you don't always expect.
Really, for me, it was one of those times where God really called some stuff out. He eliminated some specific doubts and worries I had going on. His voice was loud and clear. It was like I would be thinking a lie about myself and right at that moment, three people, all in the span of about ten minutes, spoke the truth to me, the exact opposite of the lies that were repeating in my head. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was so encouraging. God definatly spoke through some people I never would have expected. (Again, I should learn by now to expect the unexpected.) It was really a weekend of being restored, of remembering things that I should never forget. There was so much healing going on. It was really cool to see. I don't even think the word 'cool' does it justice. It was awesome.
I got to know some people that really I fell in love with right away. The fellowship of other believers is such a gift from God. We were all just praying for and encouraging each other, sharing our lives. It was simply beautiful. And it was really good to connect with certain people I haven't connected with in a very long time. It was a healing weekend for sure, and even though I am super sore and exausted, I am very glad I went.

Something I am learning, is its okay to be who I am. I know, It's such a simple concept... but yet to me it's so hard. God gave me the personality and gifts and talents I have for a reason. He made me to fill my place and only I can fill my place. I find comfort in that. And sometimes I get caught up, If I'm being honest here, with always trying to please people and change myself to suit them better. But that's not what God wants. He wants me to be the real me he created. This is really hard to do. My mind always goes off on tangents of, "I'm not good enough." or "Something must be wrong with me..." And I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. But this habit of mine needs to change. Some days are better than others. But my identity is in Christ, and Christ alone. He is the mirror by that I see myself. He loves me. He thinks I am so beautiful just like... this. I need to stop basing my value on how other people see or treat me because people... yeah they mess up. They hurt you. And it will always be this way. But Abba will never do that to you. He is so constant. I think that is one of my favorite things about God, is how constant he is. He never changes; Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

I don't know who I'm really talking to when I write these blog posts. But I just feel like I have so much on my heart. And sometimes... most times I can get my feelings or thoughts out WAY better by writting than I can by speaking. So here are some more of my random thoughts....
Its okay to cry. We can't hold it in all the time. How we feel, God already knows. He wants us to be real with him. Let it out. It is okay to cry. Jesus cried. (Shortest verse in the bible "Jesus Wept." haha)
But in all honesty, We hold so much inside. We bottle it up because we are afraid.
Me personally, I need to be honest with myself. Because sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I pretend I'm okay. I convince myself that I'm happy, when I'm not. It's just lies. I have joy because God is good all the time. But I'm not always happy. And recently I let myself be convinced that I need to be all happy go lucky all the time... but the truth is... I'm not. I can't keep believing that being sad is a sin... what a stupid idea, I really have no idea where I came up with that. Haha oh man, I need Jesus.
Because I am hurting. I am broken. And sometimes I just don't want to stick a Jesus band-aid on it and call it a day. I don't need to be happy all the time, happy is just a surface emotion. Somedays I am just plain discouraged. But I have an internal Joy that no situation, circumstance or person can take away from me. He is that Joy.
My prayer is that I can feel complete pain and yet experience complete joy at the same time.
I want to have the joy of the Lord just flowing out of me and I strive to shine with the light he put inside me.
God is not just in the mountain tops, but he is flowing through the river in the valley too.

My prayer is that God, You would break me.
Bring me to the hard place where you can refine me through fire.
I don't want to be a Christian that just washes away in the storm.
But I want to be still worshiping God, when I feel him right next to me, and when he feels a million miles away.
Lord, Give me a boldness to step out in faith and go places that others may be afraid to go.
God use me. Develop me. Mold me. Break me.
Help me to keep my eyes on you.

I know that when I seek you first, everything else will fall in to place. I don't need to worry. I know that it is all in your hands. I trust you. I trust that you have a plan for my life. I trust that you will open and close the doors as they come. I will walk out your will for my life by taking it one step at a time and always looking at you, holding your hand. You are my Abba daddy and I am your baby girl.

I am just so in awe of God. This is constantly on my mind. And I'm not sorry if you are reading this and you think... "Okay, I get it. You don't need to talk about it all the time..." too bad! Deal with it haha.
He is just so beautiful. He treats us like roalty when he is the one who is so, so royal. I want to love him just the same. With everything I have.
Looking at the stars this weekend, I have never... ever seen them so clear and bright and beautiful in my entire life. It was like they went on forever and ever and ever. I could see how they formed shapes in the sky and how they twinkled. It was so pretty. It was just like, Wow God, You made this. You created this beautiful picture. I was litterally dumb-founded. Like there are millions of stars in the sky and he made every single one of them!!!

I just want to fall down on my knees in worship when I think about how beautiful you really are.
I just want to cry when I think about how much you love your kids.
I feel beside myself. I'm just so... in awe of you God.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
In the good times and the bad.
Even though my heart is heavy and overwhelmed,
I will continue to love and search for you.