Honestly...

There is so much on my mind right now... I just got home from a young adults retreat over the weekend and I have much to say.

So this past weekend... was amazing. I went into it not really even wanting to meet God there, and not expecing him to show up at all. Quite the opposite actually. But of course, like he always does, he just blew my expectations away. I love how he does that. How he works in such ways that you don't always expect.
Really, for me, it was one of those times where God really called some stuff out. He eliminated some specific doubts and worries I had going on. His voice was loud and clear. It was like I would be thinking a lie about myself and right at that moment, three people, all in the span of about ten minutes, spoke the truth to me, the exact opposite of the lies that were repeating in my head. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was so encouraging. God definatly spoke through some people I never would have expected. (Again, I should learn by now to expect the unexpected.) It was really a weekend of being restored, of remembering things that I should never forget. There was so much healing going on. It was really cool to see. I don't even think the word 'cool' does it justice. It was awesome.
I got to know some people that really I fell in love with right away. The fellowship of other believers is such a gift from God. We were all just praying for and encouraging each other, sharing our lives. It was simply beautiful. And it was really good to connect with certain people I haven't connected with in a very long time. It was a healing weekend for sure, and even though I am super sore and exausted, I am very glad I went.

Something I am learning, is its okay to be who I am. I know, It's such a simple concept... but yet to me it's so hard. God gave me the personality and gifts and talents I have for a reason. He made me to fill my place and only I can fill my place. I find comfort in that. And sometimes I get caught up, If I'm being honest here, with always trying to please people and change myself to suit them better. But that's not what God wants. He wants me to be the real me he created. This is really hard to do. My mind always goes off on tangents of, "I'm not good enough." or "Something must be wrong with me..." And I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. But this habit of mine needs to change. Some days are better than others. But my identity is in Christ, and Christ alone. He is the mirror by that I see myself. He loves me. He thinks I am so beautiful just like... this. I need to stop basing my value on how other people see or treat me because people... yeah they mess up. They hurt you. And it will always be this way. But Abba will never do that to you. He is so constant. I think that is one of my favorite things about God, is how constant he is. He never changes; Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

I don't know who I'm really talking to when I write these blog posts. But I just feel like I have so much on my heart. And sometimes... most times I can get my feelings or thoughts out WAY better by writting than I can by speaking. So here are some more of my random thoughts....
Its okay to cry. We can't hold it in all the time. How we feel, God already knows. He wants us to be real with him. Let it out. It is okay to cry. Jesus cried. (Shortest verse in the bible "Jesus Wept." haha)
But in all honesty, We hold so much inside. We bottle it up because we are afraid.
Me personally, I need to be honest with myself. Because sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I pretend I'm okay. I convince myself that I'm happy, when I'm not. It's just lies. I have joy because God is good all the time. But I'm not always happy. And recently I let myself be convinced that I need to be all happy go lucky all the time... but the truth is... I'm not. I can't keep believing that being sad is a sin... what a stupid idea, I really have no idea where I came up with that. Haha oh man, I need Jesus.
Because I am hurting. I am broken. And sometimes I just don't want to stick a Jesus band-aid on it and call it a day. I don't need to be happy all the time, happy is just a surface emotion. Somedays I am just plain discouraged. But I have an internal Joy that no situation, circumstance or person can take away from me. He is that Joy.
My prayer is that I can feel complete pain and yet experience complete joy at the same time.
I want to have the joy of the Lord just flowing out of me and I strive to shine with the light he put inside me.
God is not just in the mountain tops, but he is flowing through the river in the valley too.

My prayer is that God, You would break me.
Bring me to the hard place where you can refine me through fire.
I don't want to be a Christian that just washes away in the storm.
But I want to be still worshiping God, when I feel him right next to me, and when he feels a million miles away.
Lord, Give me a boldness to step out in faith and go places that others may be afraid to go.
God use me. Develop me. Mold me. Break me.
Help me to keep my eyes on you.

I know that when I seek you first, everything else will fall in to place. I don't need to worry. I know that it is all in your hands. I trust you. I trust that you have a plan for my life. I trust that you will open and close the doors as they come. I will walk out your will for my life by taking it one step at a time and always looking at you, holding your hand. You are my Abba daddy and I am your baby girl.

I am just so in awe of God. This is constantly on my mind. And I'm not sorry if you are reading this and you think... "Okay, I get it. You don't need to talk about it all the time..." too bad! Deal with it haha.
He is just so beautiful. He treats us like roalty when he is the one who is so, so royal. I want to love him just the same. With everything I have.
Looking at the stars this weekend, I have never... ever seen them so clear and bright and beautiful in my entire life. It was like they went on forever and ever and ever. I could see how they formed shapes in the sky and how they twinkled. It was so pretty. It was just like, Wow God, You made this. You created this beautiful picture. I was litterally dumb-founded. Like there are millions of stars in the sky and he made every single one of them!!!

I just want to fall down on my knees in worship when I think about how beautiful you really are.
I just want to cry when I think about how much you love your kids.
I feel beside myself. I'm just so... in awe of you God.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
In the good times and the bad.
Even though my heart is heavy and overwhelmed,
I will continue to love and search for you.