Anxiety.

I feel very anxious today. Like there's something I should be doing, or I'm missing something. Why? I have gone over my to do list over and over. I'm not behind in school, I'm not forgetting anything important. Every physical thing is in order. Why do I feel this way then? I don't know. I hate feeling this way when I don't know why. It's like unease, like I'm anticipating something. It's a terrible feeling. It's in my head and in my heart. It hurts physically and mentally. What do I do...


Philippians 4:6-8
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

Matthew 6:31-34
"Do not be anxious then, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'With what shall we clothe ourselves?' "For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:27
"And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span?

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."

God - help me.

Still a sheep.

When I sin, I act like I don't belong to God. After I sin, I still act like I don't belong to God. I think to myself that because I sinned, I am no longer God's, but to belong to God, one must be perfect and righteous. Sometimes I am the farthest thing from righteous. How can I ever belong to God if I am constantly messing up. How can anyone? For all have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God. Even those in the bible days, did not deserve God. But God still chose to call them righteous. Noah, David, his disciples. Where they perfect? Probably not. What makes someone righteous then? Is it acting in a certain way? Is it being in the right place at the right time? Is it striving against sin and repenting when it happens? Maybe that has a part to play. But, I believe it's grace. Grace makes a person righteous in the eyes of God. It's God's grace that teaches us, molds us, grows us to be righteous. The definition of the word is to act in accordance with a divine or moral law, free from guilt and sin. Can anyone fit this bill? Only through sanctification and justification through the holy spirit. It's grace that lets us belong to him. It's grace that has opened our eyes to our sin. It's God and his grace that gives us the strength to fight against it. It's God and his grace that gives us the heart to repent.

Emilie - Just because you sin, doesn't mean you are no longer his sheep. When his sheep go off the path, he will find you. He will bring you back to where you are supposed to be. He doesn't abandon his sheep because they made a mistake. Your mistakes do not define you. Stop running away from the Shepard because you think you're a wolf. You're not a sheep in wolf's clothing - that's not how the story goes. It's the wolf that dresses up in the sheep's clothes to deceive. You are lost and you need your Shepard, he's the only one who can direct you back to the flock and away from the real wolves. Start acting and repenting like a sheep. Sin will damage your relationship with the Shepard, yes. But... it cannot separate you from his love, it cannot change the fact that you are his daughter - his sheep. 

“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber. 2 But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. 5 A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.” 6 This figure of speech Jesus used with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them. 7 So Jesus again said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8 All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13 He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. 17 For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father.”

John 10

Counter-culture

"We're going to take back, all the enemy has stolen. It's in the blood of the one who's worthy. I know God has not forgotten all that's lost and broken. So come and see the turning of the tides, come and see the sons and daughters rise. How could he who did not spare his own son, not freely give us victory against the darkest of nights." -Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band

Short and sweet: Lately I've been feeling anxious about the future. How will God's plan will work out? What am I supposed to do? I talked to my best friend today and God spoke to me through her. Just trust him. Live sold out, every day surrender to him. Live in the now for God. Don't wait until later, and don't settle. Don't become complacent. Be used by God now where you are.

I think God has placed a discomfort in my heart about this Canadian and North American culture for a reason. I tend to lean towards missions. I've always said I wanted to move out of Canada and do missions. But what if God just wants me to be so dissatisfied with our culture here, that I don't conform. Not necessarily to take the easy way out and move away, but live here and be counter-cultural. That I am counter-cultural in everything I do. The way I live for Christ, the way I speak, how I spend my money, how I treat people, how I serve... everything. Maybe I'm not meant to do missions overseas, but channel this uncomfortable feeling I get towards changing the culture here in Canada. How do you change a culture? You change the people. How do you change the people? You show them Christ. Be Christ to them. Love on them like Christ would. Only He can change the culture and the people of Canada. Maybe that's the reason I feel the way I do. Never thought of it that way before. It gives me peace.

God, change my desires.

Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene

"But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb. And she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned and said to him in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”—and that he had said these things to her." (John 20:11-18 ESV)

I can't help but have tears come to my eyes as I read this passage. Mary wept because she feared that her God had been taken away. She believed she lost her Jesus. She felt defeat. She just witnessed her Jesus being crucified days earlier. Not knowing, this must have seemed like the end. The darkness that must have been on them. To her, he was gone. She didn't even recognize that Jesus had been with her the whole time. He even spoke to her and she did not realize who he was. But when he called her name... "Mary", her eyes were opened to him. Think about that for a minute. Think about the overwhelming joy that must have come over her. Thinking her savior was dead, to find him standing in front of her again. She must have ran to him, hugged him. He must have wiped her tears. She loved him, he loved her. He tells her not to cling to him... it's like he was saying, you don't have to hold on to me so hard, I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stay with you. I'm here, I'm with you. Go tell the others. It's going to be okay. I've defeated death.

I cannot help but relate this to my life. I just love how the first person he appeared to was a woman. Just like me. I have fears that God will not accept me. That He's going to abandon me. Like Mary, sometimes I don't see Him in my life. When in reality he's right beside me. To hear him call my name, "Emilie". And know he's been there the whole time, and that he is never going to leave me. How the call of my name, opened my eyes to his goodness.

Ah the bible is so good.

Be still.

Take a moment here... Deep breath in, and out. What do you hear right now? I hear my music playing in the background. A sweet mellow song from coldplay. I hear the sound of my brother talking to one of his friends faint in the next room. I hear the fan running on my computer. Close your eyes for a second. And breathe again and reopen them. What do you see? I see the hue of the screen white. My white christmas lights hanging on my walls. I see the scripture I wrote on my chalkboard. What do you feel? I feel the soft covers on my bed. I feel the cozy sweater I'm wearing as it hugs me. I feel calm. I feel peace. I feel grace. I feel God.

Be still. You need not always to be running. God is here with you right where you are. In amongst your noise, what you hear, what you see around you, your circumstances, what you feel. Despite what you feel - he's here. He never leaves nor forsakes. Just take a moment to realize where you are, who you are, and who God is.

I feel. I feel a lot of things. I am a feeling type of person. But most times, I feel anxious. I feel worried and stressed. I carry things with me. Burdens. My shoulders always hurt. I'm tense.

You know when people say "You're living in the past"... I always think it means, you're living in the light of some big event that happened to you. A tragedy, an event that changed you, a sin. I feel like I live in the past, but in a different way. I feel as if I carry my burdens from the past day to the next. Not some big event. Not a tragedy or sin. But a burden that is added upon as each day passes. It builds and becomes heavier and harder to carry. My burdens can be small things that add up. Worrying that I'm a bad daughter because I didn't make it home for dinner. Escalating that in my mind and coming to the conclusion I've hurt my family because I wasn't at the dinner table. Or when I haven't hung out with one of my friends for a long time, feeling like a failure of a friend. Rather than calling them up because I would love to spend time with them, but because I feel guilt... a burden. And don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends, and being home for dinner. But why do I feel so heavy for such small things.

I have come to re-realize (this is not new, but something I need to be reminded of), that Jesus promises that his mercies are new each morning, that he is renewing me day by day, that my slate is wiped clean each time I confess and repent, and I know my heart and actions are for him, so why feel so much guilt and shame?

Someone described shame to me recently as a deep dissatisfaction with who you are. This is true in my life. I have this deep dissatisfaction with who I am. That I have to 'do more', 'do better', 'be better'. It's religious in the sense that I am always striving to "attain God's approval and affection". My deepest fear is that I will not be accepted by God. That he will not use me because I'm not good enough. I am coming to accept that I tend to air on the side of religiosity. As opposed to abusing grace. People tend to do one or the other... it's a learned balance. I realize I don't understand grace, nor do I apply it to my  life. I give others grace, but myself will not accept it. This past sunday, during the message, I felt like I finally understood grace for the first time.

Grace outruns sin. Sin causes harm to our relationship with God, with each other and with self. But the gospel brings us back. It brings healing, freedom and unity when we surrender to it. In Genesis 3, Adam and his wife were naked in the garden, exposed by sin they realized they were naked. But God covered them. God covered humanity's nakedness and shame. He calls for them, calls to them despite their sin. Adam tried to cover himself with leaves, but God did it better... he killed an animal and used it's skin and fur. Just like the sacrifice of Christ that covers us. God doesn't give up on you, not ever. This is grace. He brings us to wholeness. Death never has the last word.

It's the opportunity to start fresh everyday. The past is gone and dead. No longer held in the grip of yesterday's burdens. A new person each day in Christ, being renewed and restored. It's called sanctification and it's all because of grace.

Instead of saying, look what the world has come to. All the pain and darkness. Say, look what's come to the world. Jesus, light and freedom. Grace abounds evermore.

I can't carry yesterday's burdens today. It's so freeing to let go and know that I'm a new person today and that Jesus is changing me from the inside out. I can't control how others see me, but I know who I truly am... I am free, new, clean and changed. They may see my past sins, mistakes and short comings, but I can't focus on those... I would collapse. I keep my gaze forward on the new things God is teaching me and how I am growing today. It's not really my problem how others see me. I'm saying no to fear of man, and yes to grace in my life. I'm free. Not free to sin, but free from sin.

Be still. Breathe in. Breathe out. Today is a new day. This is what freedom feels like.

What goes on in my mind...

This may be the most sporadic blog post in existence, but it needs to happen. I have so many random things on my mind... and it's nearly one am, but I mean... when you feel the urge to write, you gotta just do it. Get it down. And when all your friends are sleeping (or should be), who can you vent to but a computer screen... (and Jesus).

Tonight was wonderful. I love conversation with other believers (very christiany term I know, but still). It is just so uplifting and encouraging. I think all I talked about tonight was God, Jesus and things of that matter, things related. I LOVE THAT. I love talking about things I love. I got called out tonight for a fault in my thinking, and I mean, no one likes how it feels to be told you're wrong... but I NEEDED it so bad. I was putting God in a box, and I can't do that! He's so much bigger than I make Him out to be. "Girl... stop putting God into a box, you need to stop"... so perfect. When you only have your thoughts... you can't step outside your thinking to see if your thinking is wrong... I needed a secondary voice to tell me. I left feeling... infinite... not because I am infinite, but He is. It's just one of those nights where it clicks... This probably isn't making sense to anyone but myself unless you were apart of this conversation. And it was the most random group of people in one conversation but so orchestrated perfectly for what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful.

Some scriptures that were shared were phenomenal.

Ephesians 4:1-6; I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Just ah. So great. 


Break me open, God in motion. 


Then driving home, just looking around... thinking of the things unseen. Listening to the song, that I love, and have listened to a thousand times or more. Set a Fire by Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band... Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain and I can't control. I want more of you God. I want more... I want more... Thinking about this. He gave EVERYTHING he had on the cross. His son sacrificially murdered. That is everything. Everything hinges on Jesus. I want more? In a sense, there is no more that he needs to give me. It's not about entitlement, about how He needs to provide ME with more... but actually I need to abide more in Him.  I want to abide more in Him... It's me. More of me needs to abide in Him. When he has already given me everything I need to do so. Hashtag boom. Does this make sense... I don't know. *disclamer: It's not that I need to do more works, or do better or be different to abide in Him. But invite him in, he gives me the strength and the grace to do so, and I get to take steps to abide more in him. It's not about glory to me, but glory to Him....

I was also thinking about fear. A huge fear I have is that I am wrong. Not in the sense that I am scared to being told I am wrong. But that my theology and thinking and way of living is wrong according to God's standards and the way the bible tells me I should live. That is why I need accountability of other Jesus lovers to tell me when something is off, when I'm wrong. I want the truth so bad. Not the truth that I want to accept, but the real truth. The absolute truth of Christ. 

Take a moment to remember who God is, and who I am (in him). There You go, lifting my load again. His yoke is easy. His burden is so light.

I also have been thinking about trust. Trusting God. I think a lot of people struggle with trusting Him. Even people in the bible, had a hard time trusting the very spoken word of Jesus himself. But I mean, I think that I can say I do trust God. I just don't trust my interpretation. I don't trust that when I hear something, that it IS from God... not from my own thoughts or another force. I think if I could be 100% sure that God was asking me to do something, I would do it. But... I can't recall any time where I had no doubt about that. I always struggle with is this really God? Maybe that has become an excuse to not acting on things he tells me to do. Hesitation to the point that the opportunity passes. I need to just test it. I need to look; does it line up biblicaly. Just step out in faith and do it. Not faith that God is asking you to do it for a specific reason, or that he will follow through. But faith that it is ACTUALLY God's voice speaking. You know? Bro.

I read this quote on pintrest... that was talking about fitness, and it said... "Wake up with determination to go to bed with satisfaction". Pondering this further, I really liked the quote. Not in the way as to seek out satisfaction in a selfish manner, but to work hard! Wake up with the determination and discipline to give Christ your all. To attack the day with 'fresh manna'. And that He will help you and give you the strength to take the necessary steps. Quite encouraging I'd say.

Jesus says in John, that "the Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life". Jesus' words ARE LIFE. yes.

I lift my hands. If my hands fail me, I will bend my knees. If my knees grow weak, I will raise my voice. I will sing, I will sing that You are good. 

Also, talking to a friend who just came home from missions tonight... he was talking about how when the rubber hits the road, that is when you get to really practice the things of your faith. How can you practice... say, patience... if you are never pushed to your limit with a situation that is calling for patience. How can you practice what you have learned without being put to the test. It's the same with nursing... if I learn how to give an injection... or put in an IV... how am I supposed to know if I can actually do it if I'm never put in a position where I need to use my skill. If I don't use it... I'll lose it. I wonder if it's the same with spiritual disciplines and practices. Like faith, patience, love, perseverance. How can I know that Jesus has cultivated these things in me if I never get an opportunity to show love... or prove my faith. Faith refined by fire. I know obviously there is a call to show love... all the time! But what about in those really really tough situations where it's so hard to love. Or it's extremely difficult to have faith through a dark time. 

Another friend of mine was telling me of one of the girls at her school who's mom just passed away from cancer. Terrible and tragic. Very sad. But she told me of the kind of faith this girl had... she lives thousands of miles away from me... but I have been impacted by hearing this - that's a pretty great influence she has. Anyways, the faith and perseverance and joy in suffering this girl is demonstrating has my friend astonished. You never know the strength God can give you until you are put in that situation. 

My mom is in the hospital right now, and that thought surely crossed my mind... what if that was me. How would I respond... Would I respond knowing Jesus has me. Has my mom. Or would I shut him out. I pray that God is preparing me and growing me to get to the point where situations and circumstances of life will not impact my faith for the negative, but again... refine by fire. I want to suffer with joy. That has been a theme as of late. (like in Peter)

So change of topic... again. But recently over the past few months, I've really felt a tug and a pull to read my bible more. It's been really really hard for me to find time to do so and then I feel so guilty and bad about not reading it enough. I mean that conviction to get into the word is definitely from God. I mean of course! But that guilt is not. And I read this the other day and it's Jesus talking to the pharasees. 
"You diligently study the scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life." John 5:39
It all points back to Jesus. It's all about him. It's not the book itself... but the man in the book. (don't get me wrong, I'm not down playing the importance of the bible or the scriptures). But the scriptures all point to Christ. 

Driving home tonight, all I could say was, "Jesus". What a name. What's in a name... a whole lot, that's for sure. 

Jesus, Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. 

It's now almost 1:30... and I have church in the morning... and finals this week... and I am probably about to get sick seeing as my boyfriend is quite ill and I have spent a lot of time with him... and not enough use of hand sanitizer (that's the nurse in me speaking)... I need sleep as well. 

I love nights like this. 

Trial and Sin.

I have found myself thinking very negative thoughts lately. Negative thoughts about myself and about who I am and what I stand for. I wish I wasn't the way I am. I wish I could just be like everyone else. I wish I could fit in and feel like I belong somewhere. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. I wish I could make this place feel like home. I wish I didn't look the way I did. I don't like being different. I don't like being weird. It hurts sometimes. Eventually these thoughts become consuming. They become normal. They begin to disguise themselves as truth. I believe them.

Then, lessons from 1 Peter. Chapter 1, Verse 1. Peter addresses the believers as "Elect strangers in the world", in another version, "Elect exiles". What does this mean?
Exiles: This world is not our home. It shouldn't be our home. It can't be our home. The moment we decide to live and die for Christ, we no longer play for the side of the world, but wage war against the world and all it stands for. Our home is with Jesus. This is temporary.
Elect: I was chosen by God before time. He knew I would sin, He knew He would send His Son to die because of MY sin. He knew all this, and He created me anyways. He loves me. You were loved before time began. He loved you first. He pursued you first. He chose you first. Why would he want to chose me? I am nothing. I am sinful and undesirable. Yet, because He alone is good, He did. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is. If he loved me before time began, there is nothing I can do to surprise him, and there is nothing He will do to fail me. And He's not finished with me. He's not finished with you.

When you live as an exile, you are a missionary not of this world. You will do love differently. You will do community differently. You understand sex, marriage, friendship differently. You do work and school differently. It means we are different. Not a curse, but a blessing - a privilege. Thank you Jesus for choosing us. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for calling me to be different... and weird. Help me to understand and live finding my value in You.

Yes, I am different. The world may say I am a freak, weird, strange. God says I am chosen. Same person, different perspectives. From what perspective will I find my value? So often I find it in fear of man, people pleasing.

"If your gaze is only to how the world responds to you, you will not live with any joy or you will sin and compromise in an effort to pursue joy where there is none to be had in the approval of those who do not love God. If you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, if you understand His great love for you, the fact that He has chosen you, that He will never leave you, that He will never forsake you, that He loved you before time began, that He loved you before he made the earth for you to walk on, that He loved you knowing you were a sinner, that He loved you before you loved Him, that He pursued you before you pursued Him, that He chose you before He chose you... you will have joy, and you will be able to live a life on earth patterned after the life of Jesus with the help of the Holy Spirit." -Pastor Mark Driscoll, Trial and Sin

If I fear man, finding my value in the thoughts of the world, I functionally serve the world as lord. Jesus, I repent as I have done this. Please God, help me to take down all idols in my life, and return everyday fresh to the foot of the cross where it's all about Jesus.

Love Emilie.