Be still.

Take a moment here... Deep breath in, and out. What do you hear right now? I hear my music playing in the background. A sweet mellow song from coldplay. I hear the sound of my brother talking to one of his friends faint in the next room. I hear the fan running on my computer. Close your eyes for a second. And breathe again and reopen them. What do you see? I see the hue of the screen white. My white christmas lights hanging on my walls. I see the scripture I wrote on my chalkboard. What do you feel? I feel the soft covers on my bed. I feel the cozy sweater I'm wearing as it hugs me. I feel calm. I feel peace. I feel grace. I feel God.

Be still. You need not always to be running. God is here with you right where you are. In amongst your noise, what you hear, what you see around you, your circumstances, what you feel. Despite what you feel - he's here. He never leaves nor forsakes. Just take a moment to realize where you are, who you are, and who God is.

I feel. I feel a lot of things. I am a feeling type of person. But most times, I feel anxious. I feel worried and stressed. I carry things with me. Burdens. My shoulders always hurt. I'm tense.

You know when people say "You're living in the past"... I always think it means, you're living in the light of some big event that happened to you. A tragedy, an event that changed you, a sin. I feel like I live in the past, but in a different way. I feel as if I carry my burdens from the past day to the next. Not some big event. Not a tragedy or sin. But a burden that is added upon as each day passes. It builds and becomes heavier and harder to carry. My burdens can be small things that add up. Worrying that I'm a bad daughter because I didn't make it home for dinner. Escalating that in my mind and coming to the conclusion I've hurt my family because I wasn't at the dinner table. Or when I haven't hung out with one of my friends for a long time, feeling like a failure of a friend. Rather than calling them up because I would love to spend time with them, but because I feel guilt... a burden. And don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends, and being home for dinner. But why do I feel so heavy for such small things.

I have come to re-realize (this is not new, but something I need to be reminded of), that Jesus promises that his mercies are new each morning, that he is renewing me day by day, that my slate is wiped clean each time I confess and repent, and I know my heart and actions are for him, so why feel so much guilt and shame?

Someone described shame to me recently as a deep dissatisfaction with who you are. This is true in my life. I have this deep dissatisfaction with who I am. That I have to 'do more', 'do better', 'be better'. It's religious in the sense that I am always striving to "attain God's approval and affection". My deepest fear is that I will not be accepted by God. That he will not use me because I'm not good enough. I am coming to accept that I tend to air on the side of religiosity. As opposed to abusing grace. People tend to do one or the other... it's a learned balance. I realize I don't understand grace, nor do I apply it to my  life. I give others grace, but myself will not accept it. This past sunday, during the message, I felt like I finally understood grace for the first time.

Grace outruns sin. Sin causes harm to our relationship with God, with each other and with self. But the gospel brings us back. It brings healing, freedom and unity when we surrender to it. In Genesis 3, Adam and his wife were naked in the garden, exposed by sin they realized they were naked. But God covered them. God covered humanity's nakedness and shame. He calls for them, calls to them despite their sin. Adam tried to cover himself with leaves, but God did it better... he killed an animal and used it's skin and fur. Just like the sacrifice of Christ that covers us. God doesn't give up on you, not ever. This is grace. He brings us to wholeness. Death never has the last word.

It's the opportunity to start fresh everyday. The past is gone and dead. No longer held in the grip of yesterday's burdens. A new person each day in Christ, being renewed and restored. It's called sanctification and it's all because of grace.

Instead of saying, look what the world has come to. All the pain and darkness. Say, look what's come to the world. Jesus, light and freedom. Grace abounds evermore.

I can't carry yesterday's burdens today. It's so freeing to let go and know that I'm a new person today and that Jesus is changing me from the inside out. I can't control how others see me, but I know who I truly am... I am free, new, clean and changed. They may see my past sins, mistakes and short comings, but I can't focus on those... I would collapse. I keep my gaze forward on the new things God is teaching me and how I am growing today. It's not really my problem how others see me. I'm saying no to fear of man, and yes to grace in my life. I'm free. Not free to sin, but free from sin.

Be still. Breathe in. Breathe out. Today is a new day. This is what freedom feels like.