Oceans; this song is my prayer.

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, my feet may fail.
And there I find you, in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand.

I will call upon your name.
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am yours, and you are mine.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign hand will be my guide.
My feet may fail and fear surrounds me.
You've never failed and you won't start now.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.

Do what ever it takes. 

Parable of the Talents

14 “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. 15 To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag,[a] each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. 17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. 18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.

19 “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20 The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’

21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

22 “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’

23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’

26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. 29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 30 And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Matthew 25: 14-30

Do I want to be like the servant who takes what the master has given me and hides it in the ground to do nothing with it? God has given each of us specific gifts and abilities to use for his purpose. Don't hid them in fear of God's character. That's what this third servant in the story did. He said to the master, "I knew you are a hard man... and I was afraid". Afraid of what? Disappointing God? Fear of what man will think? In the message it says the servant thought the master "demanded the best and made no allowance for errors". Which really does not accurately reflect the heart of God. You won't make mistakes when you don't try. But God doesn't call us to live so cautiously. But to take risks, knowing that even if we aren't safe in the physical, we are safe in Him. Safe in our salvation. So use the talents God has given you. Glorify God with them. Because if you are faithful to God in little, you will be faithful to Him in abundance. You start off small. Start with what God has placed right in front of you, in the abilities you do have. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have... now. 

Anxiety.

I feel very anxious today. Like there's something I should be doing, or I'm missing something. Why? I have gone over my to do list over and over. I'm not behind in school, I'm not forgetting anything important. Every physical thing is in order. Why do I feel this way then? I don't know. I hate feeling this way when I don't know why. It's like unease, like I'm anticipating something. It's a terrible feeling. It's in my head and in my heart. It hurts physically and mentally. What do I do...


Philippians 4:6-8
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

Matthew 6:31-34
"Do not be anxious then, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'With what shall we clothe ourselves?' "For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:27
"And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span?

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."

God - help me.

Still a sheep.

When I sin, I act like I don't belong to God. After I sin, I still act like I don't belong to God. I think to myself that because I sinned, I am no longer God's, but to belong to God, one must be perfect and righteous. Sometimes I am the farthest thing from righteous. How can I ever belong to God if I am constantly messing up. How can anyone? For all have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God. Even those in the bible days, did not deserve God. But God still chose to call them righteous. Noah, David, his disciples. Where they perfect? Probably not. What makes someone righteous then? Is it acting in a certain way? Is it being in the right place at the right time? Is it striving against sin and repenting when it happens? Maybe that has a part to play. But, I believe it's grace. Grace makes a person righteous in the eyes of God. It's God's grace that teaches us, molds us, grows us to be righteous. The definition of the word is to act in accordance with a divine or moral law, free from guilt and sin. Can anyone fit this bill? Only through sanctification and justification through the holy spirit. It's grace that lets us belong to him. It's grace that has opened our eyes to our sin. It's God and his grace that gives us the strength to fight against it. It's God and his grace that gives us the heart to repent.

Emilie - Just because you sin, doesn't mean you are no longer his sheep. When his sheep go off the path, he will find you. He will bring you back to where you are supposed to be. He doesn't abandon his sheep because they made a mistake. Your mistakes do not define you. Stop running away from the Shepard because you think you're a wolf. You're not a sheep in wolf's clothing - that's not how the story goes. It's the wolf that dresses up in the sheep's clothes to deceive. You are lost and you need your Shepard, he's the only one who can direct you back to the flock and away from the real wolves. Start acting and repenting like a sheep. Sin will damage your relationship with the Shepard, yes. But... it cannot separate you from his love, it cannot change the fact that you are his daughter - his sheep. 

“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber. 2 But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. 5 A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.” 6 This figure of speech Jesus used with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them. 7 So Jesus again said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8 All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13 He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. 17 For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father.”

John 10

Counter-culture

"We're going to take back, all the enemy has stolen. It's in the blood of the one who's worthy. I know God has not forgotten all that's lost and broken. So come and see the turning of the tides, come and see the sons and daughters rise. How could he who did not spare his own son, not freely give us victory against the darkest of nights." -Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band

Short and sweet: Lately I've been feeling anxious about the future. How will God's plan will work out? What am I supposed to do? I talked to my best friend today and God spoke to me through her. Just trust him. Live sold out, every day surrender to him. Live in the now for God. Don't wait until later, and don't settle. Don't become complacent. Be used by God now where you are.

I think God has placed a discomfort in my heart about this Canadian and North American culture for a reason. I tend to lean towards missions. I've always said I wanted to move out of Canada and do missions. But what if God just wants me to be so dissatisfied with our culture here, that I don't conform. Not necessarily to take the easy way out and move away, but live here and be counter-cultural. That I am counter-cultural in everything I do. The way I live for Christ, the way I speak, how I spend my money, how I treat people, how I serve... everything. Maybe I'm not meant to do missions overseas, but channel this uncomfortable feeling I get towards changing the culture here in Canada. How do you change a culture? You change the people. How do you change the people? You show them Christ. Be Christ to them. Love on them like Christ would. Only He can change the culture and the people of Canada. Maybe that's the reason I feel the way I do. Never thought of it that way before. It gives me peace.

God, change my desires.

Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene

"But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb. And she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned and said to him in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”—and that he had said these things to her." (John 20:11-18 ESV)

I can't help but have tears come to my eyes as I read this passage. Mary wept because she feared that her God had been taken away. She believed she lost her Jesus. She felt defeat. She just witnessed her Jesus being crucified days earlier. Not knowing, this must have seemed like the end. The darkness that must have been on them. To her, he was gone. She didn't even recognize that Jesus had been with her the whole time. He even spoke to her and she did not realize who he was. But when he called her name... "Mary", her eyes were opened to him. Think about that for a minute. Think about the overwhelming joy that must have come over her. Thinking her savior was dead, to find him standing in front of her again. She must have ran to him, hugged him. He must have wiped her tears. She loved him, he loved her. He tells her not to cling to him... it's like he was saying, you don't have to hold on to me so hard, I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stay with you. I'm here, I'm with you. Go tell the others. It's going to be okay. I've defeated death.

I cannot help but relate this to my life. I just love how the first person he appeared to was a woman. Just like me. I have fears that God will not accept me. That He's going to abandon me. Like Mary, sometimes I don't see Him in my life. When in reality he's right beside me. To hear him call my name, "Emilie". And know he's been there the whole time, and that he is never going to leave me. How the call of my name, opened my eyes to his goodness.

Ah the bible is so good.

Be still.

Take a moment here... Deep breath in, and out. What do you hear right now? I hear my music playing in the background. A sweet mellow song from coldplay. I hear the sound of my brother talking to one of his friends faint in the next room. I hear the fan running on my computer. Close your eyes for a second. And breathe again and reopen them. What do you see? I see the hue of the screen white. My white christmas lights hanging on my walls. I see the scripture I wrote on my chalkboard. What do you feel? I feel the soft covers on my bed. I feel the cozy sweater I'm wearing as it hugs me. I feel calm. I feel peace. I feel grace. I feel God.

Be still. You need not always to be running. God is here with you right where you are. In amongst your noise, what you hear, what you see around you, your circumstances, what you feel. Despite what you feel - he's here. He never leaves nor forsakes. Just take a moment to realize where you are, who you are, and who God is.

I feel. I feel a lot of things. I am a feeling type of person. But most times, I feel anxious. I feel worried and stressed. I carry things with me. Burdens. My shoulders always hurt. I'm tense.

You know when people say "You're living in the past"... I always think it means, you're living in the light of some big event that happened to you. A tragedy, an event that changed you, a sin. I feel like I live in the past, but in a different way. I feel as if I carry my burdens from the past day to the next. Not some big event. Not a tragedy or sin. But a burden that is added upon as each day passes. It builds and becomes heavier and harder to carry. My burdens can be small things that add up. Worrying that I'm a bad daughter because I didn't make it home for dinner. Escalating that in my mind and coming to the conclusion I've hurt my family because I wasn't at the dinner table. Or when I haven't hung out with one of my friends for a long time, feeling like a failure of a friend. Rather than calling them up because I would love to spend time with them, but because I feel guilt... a burden. And don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends, and being home for dinner. But why do I feel so heavy for such small things.

I have come to re-realize (this is not new, but something I need to be reminded of), that Jesus promises that his mercies are new each morning, that he is renewing me day by day, that my slate is wiped clean each time I confess and repent, and I know my heart and actions are for him, so why feel so much guilt and shame?

Someone described shame to me recently as a deep dissatisfaction with who you are. This is true in my life. I have this deep dissatisfaction with who I am. That I have to 'do more', 'do better', 'be better'. It's religious in the sense that I am always striving to "attain God's approval and affection". My deepest fear is that I will not be accepted by God. That he will not use me because I'm not good enough. I am coming to accept that I tend to air on the side of religiosity. As opposed to abusing grace. People tend to do one or the other... it's a learned balance. I realize I don't understand grace, nor do I apply it to my  life. I give others grace, but myself will not accept it. This past sunday, during the message, I felt like I finally understood grace for the first time.

Grace outruns sin. Sin causes harm to our relationship with God, with each other and with self. But the gospel brings us back. It brings healing, freedom and unity when we surrender to it. In Genesis 3, Adam and his wife were naked in the garden, exposed by sin they realized they were naked. But God covered them. God covered humanity's nakedness and shame. He calls for them, calls to them despite their sin. Adam tried to cover himself with leaves, but God did it better... he killed an animal and used it's skin and fur. Just like the sacrifice of Christ that covers us. God doesn't give up on you, not ever. This is grace. He brings us to wholeness. Death never has the last word.

It's the opportunity to start fresh everyday. The past is gone and dead. No longer held in the grip of yesterday's burdens. A new person each day in Christ, being renewed and restored. It's called sanctification and it's all because of grace.

Instead of saying, look what the world has come to. All the pain and darkness. Say, look what's come to the world. Jesus, light and freedom. Grace abounds evermore.

I can't carry yesterday's burdens today. It's so freeing to let go and know that I'm a new person today and that Jesus is changing me from the inside out. I can't control how others see me, but I know who I truly am... I am free, new, clean and changed. They may see my past sins, mistakes and short comings, but I can't focus on those... I would collapse. I keep my gaze forward on the new things God is teaching me and how I am growing today. It's not really my problem how others see me. I'm saying no to fear of man, and yes to grace in my life. I'm free. Not free to sin, but free from sin.

Be still. Breathe in. Breathe out. Today is a new day. This is what freedom feels like.