Calling

God I don't know what you are calling me to.

I need to die to what I think my calling should look like.

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with the idea of living a "glamorous" life. I desire to live that life where people see me and want to be like me. Can I be honest here? I want to have my best face forward, the pictures people see on instagram and Facebook. I want to be beautiful, skinnier, healthier, more talented at the things I think are desirable and worthy. I want to be that woman, who is good at cooking, house keeping, interior design… who is always fashionable. But at the same time, good at my career, successful. A better nurse, wife, friend, daughter.

But I'm exhausted from pursuing that glamorous life.

I need to accept that I am called. Not called to that glamorous life. I always focus on the calling. But forget the one calling me. I need to accept that I am called, accepted, chosen by God.

Sometimes I look at the end result, what am I doing for God right now… and don't see any fruit, therefore I doubt that I was called by God in the first place.

I need to look to the caller. Adopt his vision. It's not about my own dreams and ambitions, although God can use those things he has placed in my heart.

God what burden have you placed on my heart? I want to know who you designed me to be. I want to be consumed with seeing You fill this place. I don't want to be focused on my accomplishment, but your plans accomplishment, even if I do not get the credit.
Even if I play the background. I want to be humbled so you can be exhausted.

I want to usher your glory. I want to be filled with you so that your plans can be accomplished. That when I (you) walk into a room darkness vanishes.

God please place a vision and dream in my heart from you. Reveal to me, what you are calling me to, not just what I want to do, but what you want me to do. I want to adopt your vision for my life. Holy spirit I need you. I need to change. I believe that the more I pursue you, I will change. I cannot change on my own, I realize in a new way. But I will chase you until I am different.

Your purpose is to be where God dwells.

At work, with people, in the city, with close friends/family… everywhere you do life.

He is rich in mercy, because of his great love he made you alive. For we are his workmanship.

New season

My life has changed a lot in the past 6 months. I thought that I liked change. And I thought I could not just handle it, but embrace it under the label of "adventure". But it turns out change scares me. It takes away all my pretenses of safety. 

This past summer, my family moved away to another province. My dad was the pastor of our church, worked from home, my mom a stay at home mom and my brother was always around. I was used to a house full of people, a house where we never locked our front door... Dangerous probably but open for anyone to visit. We had people in and out all the time. I love my family, we are all very close. 

I also graduated university this past April and started working as a registered nurse at the children's hospital. 

The most wonderful change of all, I had the privilege of marrying my best friend. It was the perfect day and best decision I've ever made, next to following Christ. 

None of these things are bad. Getting married and starting a career are great things! But in it, I entered into the loneliest period of my life. 

Moving into a new house that didn't feel like home. Working shift work as a nurse, spending days in an empty house and evenings at the hospital. The house was quiet. I wasn't used to how empty it felt.  

I put so much pressure on Derek to fill that loneliness. But it wasn't our relationship that was making me lonely. He's so patient and kind with me. Loving me through every day. 

I felt depressed. Anxious all the time. Stresses from work adding to the mix. I couldn't cope. 

I couldn't cope with the way I felt. I couldn't go to church and pretend. I felt so fake. Like I don't have the energy to worship. I don't feel the joy God talks about in the bible. Why should I stand and raise my hands and pretend. I found myself feeling bitter. Towards religion and religious people. To people who say that God is good all the time. Is he? When all I see around me are children dying from cancer. It's so hard to remain steadfast in the belief that God is good when you feel like crying all the time because a depression you can't explain has come over you. I started to avoid community. I don't want people to know my pain. Or see through my act that everything is okay. I also don't want people to tell me everything is alright. 

I found myself in a place of doubt and disbelief. I never doubt gods existence but I doubt his goodness. And to add to it I would be upset with myself for feeling this way - you've been a Christian the majority of your life Emilie shouldn't you have this figured out by now. You shouldn't struggle with elementary beliefs. I felt so stupid. 

So I stopped going to church. I told myself I wouldn't read the bible or pray unless I wanted to. Not because I "should". I was done with the guilt trip I was putting myself through. I can't keep pushing my doubts aside and forcing myself to go through the motions of what I think being a Christian should look like. 

My dad assured me. You aren't losing your faith. The stress of falling too far away to be redeemed scared me. What if I take a break and God doesn't take me back. 

I don't think there's a time in my life when I have ever had a revelation in one moment. Over time God works on my heart. And I look back and I'm not where I used to be. 

I prayed and asked God to give me desire to be a Christian. Not out of duty but out of desire. 

Every time I opened my bible for the next two months (and it was only a handful of times)... I bawled. I sunk into my living room couch and bawled. Every time I prayed I earnestly meant every word. That meant I didn't pray for every prayer list item my church emailed out. But the few that grabed my heart and my spirit. "Oh god." 

God sent me a role model. A lady who doesn't even know me. Never met me. And I've never met her. But I read her story online and for some reason struck a chord in my soul. Encouragement for the first time in a long time that I'm not alone. I just think of her boldness in sharing her story and it makes me feel brave and bold. Testimony is not over rated. It's powerful. 

And through it all God has blessed me with the most gracious sweet husband. Who has held me as I cried and prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. In all the chaos of depression and anxiety that I cannot control, in the chaos of cancer and stress and missing my family, and feeling far from God, and my questions and my doubts and my fears... He's been solid and safe for me. Letting me be who I am and letting me discover who I am. 

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27 ESV)

I need the Holy Spirit more than ever. I don't have anything figured out. I feel like a giant mess. And slightly embarrassed at that fact. I tend to want to say "whatever" and not think or talk abou it. Like what I'm going through isn't valid. I make excuses like "your life isn't that hard, get over it." 

But I won't let myself believe lies. 

Whether you just got diagnosed with MS or you struggle with sadness/anxiety/fear/loneliness, your battle is yours. And bravery isn't specific to only slaying a lion, but bravery can be saying I'm going to get out of bed today and have joy. 

I need to believe that. 

I need you Holy Spirit. I need to go deeper with you or I won't survive. 

Do not fear.

Lamentations says, "I know how you feel, you are not alone."

"I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea, 'Do not close your ears to my cry for relief'. You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear'."
Lamentations 3:55

Out of Want

Sometimes there are no words for how you feel. Sometimes the way life makes you feel, there are no words. I am speechless before God. It's like he absorbs all my unspoken anger, doubt and tears, silently loving me all the while. My latest aversion to church is slowly decreasing, but still remains. Why do I desperately want to avoid corporate community? Am I afraid of letting my true self show at church, letting my friends and community see my real tears. Maybe I am afraid I will scream at the alter of God and be judged. I want to just melt into my sofa with tears running down my face, and take in the worship music filling my ears from my stereo a few feet away. Alone with God, and all my mess. But I need people too. I need encouragement, and sharpening from the others I choose to walk with. This I know, but I am finding it difficult to walk out in actuality. I am afraid my doubt will damage the church, that it will damage me, if I show it to other people. I am afraid of cliché answers and phrases that are empty. I don't want to be responsible for other people's doubt. I don't want my doubt to become their doubt.

I promised myself in November that I would not do anything because I feel that I "should". That included reading my bible and praying. Today was the first day I felt that I "wanted" to. Reading a blog post from a woman I have never met, about her journey with MS. Prayers seem to seep out of me.

Today is the first day in months, I actually want to read the word. Not out of duty or obligation, but because my desire for God is heavier than my anger and doubt and fear and depression and anxiety and sadness. I miss you God. I miss letting myself run to you.

Happiness

Happiness is fragile, I am happy one morning, the next; I know, it could all go away in an instant. Joy is eternal.

What am I doing with my life?

I have so many things I could see myself doing with my career, but I don't have one specific goal. This morning I prayed that God would give me a dream, a goal or vision to work towards. I love my job right now, but that's all it is to me, a job, it's not where I want to stay forever. I need God to give me the opportunities and open the doors. Maybe not right now, but eventually. I need him to help me be satisfied where I am, and be an influence where I am for now, as I gain experience in the hospital setting. I can stay here for a few years. I also pray that the dreams in my heart would line up with the dreams he has for me. I'm going to use this space to brain storm some ideas.
I don't want to stay in the hospital setting forever, or even for a long time. It's not really my favourite thing. I find the shifts hard, working nights messes with my eating, my sleeping and my emotions… maybe it's just really bad right now because I've been struggling more than usual with feeling depressed and anxious. The stress emotionally of being responsible for someone's life… it's heavy. I can handle it, but it's a lot. The tasks I find repetitive and containing. Maybe it's a new grad thing, being so focused on completing tasks correctly… I just don't have a lot of room for my creativity to come out. Or even sometimes my empathy and compassion… there are moments, but I feel like it's stifled because I don't have time to really be compassionate, to sit and talk, to practice presence. I'm sure this will improve the faster I get at tasks, and the easier they become.
But when I think about what I loved about school it wasn't hospital, tasks, medications, patho and pharm… It was people. Working with communities. The class on upstream thinking, community development… that got me so excited, that got me talking about it to all my friends. Water sanitation, health for marginalized populations or developing countries, working with women and children. I also feel I have a knowledge gap when it comes to these sorts of jobs. I think it may be more complicated than I realize… western countries such as canada offering aide to developing worlds… is it our duty because we have been blessed, or is it prideful to think we can help. Is it really helping, or is it hindering, how can we help people, and countries to sustain themselves. There's a lot of factors that I really haven't researched.
Where do I belong? Why have I taken this 4 year degree for nursing, when it feels like 99% of nursing is in hospitals… but I am searching out that 1%, that allows me to apply my degree outside the box. I just don't know what that looks like. I feel anxious and impatient, like I am running out of time before my career needs to halt while I have a family. I know I am still young, but it worries me. That I won't be able to do what I want to do, or what God wants me to do. It sounds silly now that I write it, if it's in God's plan for me, it will happen, and even if I want something, but it's not in God's plan, do I really want that something to happen? Not really, no.
But I do know I was never gung-ho on the whole hospital nursing thing. Not for me, not for my whole career. But do not get me wrong, I am so blessed by my current job placement. I love it, I love the people there, the patients, the management is great. It's a great place to work and learn.

But what if there is more waiting for me?

I have tried to open doors and create opportunities for myself. But none seem to be working out.
I emailed a downtown nursing organization to see if I could do a shadow day, see what nursing in downtown Calgary would be like, working with the marginalized… they couldn't set up a shadow day for me unfortunately. Which is okay.
I have emailed various other organizations and places to set up shadow days, and none replied.

My dream would be to work for a world wide organization that aides in health, red cross, or world health… or even within Canada.
Some ideas I've had are disaster relief, working with youth in schools, or even ministry working with women and children.

I have no idea. It's a tad overwhelming, and I think too much about it. I have to remember that God has provided every single opportunity this far into my life. The last 3 jobs I have had. Even my final focus in last year of nursing school.. all was blatant blessing and direction from God. Does that mean that Cancer Care is where he wants me forever, or am I just here to learn and grow and I can try my hand at other things later in my career.

We will see I guess.

"Joy will not be rugged and durable and deep through suffering where there is not resolve to fight for it."

-j. Piper

I'm so depressed. I'm so anxious. I fear the gun my husband hunts with sitting in the basement, the rafters in my garage that could easily hang a rope, the pills in my medicine cabinet, knives in kitchen drawers. I can't stop these thoughts from coming in at least once a day. They scare me and I want them to stop. I never want to get to the dark place where these passing thoughts stay longer than a moment. Dear god.