Happiness is fragile, I am happy one morning, the next; I know, it could all go away in an instant. Joy is eternal.
12/18/14
Happiness
Happiness is fragile, I am happy one morning, the next; I know, it could all go away in an instant. Joy is eternal.
12/10/14
What am I doing with my life?
I have so many things I could see myself doing with my career, but I don't have one specific goal. This morning I prayed that God would give me a dream, a goal or vision to work towards. I love my job right now, but that's all it is to me, a job, it's not where I want to stay forever. I need God to give me the opportunities and open the doors. Maybe not right now, but eventually. I need him to help me be satisfied where I am, and be an influence where I am for now, as I gain experience in the hospital setting. I can stay here for a few years. I also pray that the dreams in my heart would line up with the dreams he has for me. I'm going to use this space to brain storm some ideas.
I don't want to stay in the hospital setting forever, or even for a long time. It's not really my favourite thing. I find the shifts hard, working nights messes with my eating, my sleeping and my emotions… maybe it's just really bad right now because I've been struggling more than usual with feeling depressed and anxious. The stress emotionally of being responsible for someone's life… it's heavy. I can handle it, but it's a lot. The tasks I find repetitive and containing. Maybe it's a new grad thing, being so focused on completing tasks correctly… I just don't have a lot of room for my creativity to come out. Or even sometimes my empathy and compassion… there are moments, but I feel like it's stifled because I don't have time to really be compassionate, to sit and talk, to practice presence. I'm sure this will improve the faster I get at tasks, and the easier they become.
But when I think about what I loved about school it wasn't hospital, tasks, medications, patho and pharm… It was people. Working with communities. The class on upstream thinking, community development… that got me so excited, that got me talking about it to all my friends. Water sanitation, health for marginalized populations or developing countries, working with women and children. I also feel I have a knowledge gap when it comes to these sorts of jobs. I think it may be more complicated than I realize… western countries such as canada offering aide to developing worlds… is it our duty because we have been blessed, or is it prideful to think we can help. Is it really helping, or is it hindering, how can we help people, and countries to sustain themselves. There's a lot of factors that I really haven't researched.
Where do I belong? Why have I taken this 4 year degree for nursing, when it feels like 99% of nursing is in hospitals… but I am searching out that 1%, that allows me to apply my degree outside the box. I just don't know what that looks like. I feel anxious and impatient, like I am running out of time before my career needs to halt while I have a family. I know I am still young, but it worries me. That I won't be able to do what I want to do, or what God wants me to do. It sounds silly now that I write it, if it's in God's plan for me, it will happen, and even if I want something, but it's not in God's plan, do I really want that something to happen? Not really, no.
But I do know I was never gung-ho on the whole hospital nursing thing. Not for me, not for my whole career. But do not get me wrong, I am so blessed by my current job placement. I love it, I love the people there, the patients, the management is great. It's a great place to work and learn.
But what if there is more waiting for me?
I have tried to open doors and create opportunities for myself. But none seem to be working out.
I emailed a downtown nursing organization to see if I could do a shadow day, see what nursing in downtown Calgary would be like, working with the marginalized… they couldn't set up a shadow day for me unfortunately. Which is okay.
I have emailed various other organizations and places to set up shadow days, and none replied.
My dream would be to work for a world wide organization that aides in health, red cross, or world health… or even within Canada.
Some ideas I've had are disaster relief, working with youth in schools, or even ministry working with women and children.
I have no idea. It's a tad overwhelming, and I think too much about it. I have to remember that God has provided every single opportunity this far into my life. The last 3 jobs I have had. Even my final focus in last year of nursing school.. all was blatant blessing and direction from God. Does that mean that Cancer Care is where he wants me forever, or am I just here to learn and grow and I can try my hand at other things later in my career.
We will see I guess.
I don't want to stay in the hospital setting forever, or even for a long time. It's not really my favourite thing. I find the shifts hard, working nights messes with my eating, my sleeping and my emotions… maybe it's just really bad right now because I've been struggling more than usual with feeling depressed and anxious. The stress emotionally of being responsible for someone's life… it's heavy. I can handle it, but it's a lot. The tasks I find repetitive and containing. Maybe it's a new grad thing, being so focused on completing tasks correctly… I just don't have a lot of room for my creativity to come out. Or even sometimes my empathy and compassion… there are moments, but I feel like it's stifled because I don't have time to really be compassionate, to sit and talk, to practice presence. I'm sure this will improve the faster I get at tasks, and the easier they become.
But when I think about what I loved about school it wasn't hospital, tasks, medications, patho and pharm… It was people. Working with communities. The class on upstream thinking, community development… that got me so excited, that got me talking about it to all my friends. Water sanitation, health for marginalized populations or developing countries, working with women and children. I also feel I have a knowledge gap when it comes to these sorts of jobs. I think it may be more complicated than I realize… western countries such as canada offering aide to developing worlds… is it our duty because we have been blessed, or is it prideful to think we can help. Is it really helping, or is it hindering, how can we help people, and countries to sustain themselves. There's a lot of factors that I really haven't researched.
Where do I belong? Why have I taken this 4 year degree for nursing, when it feels like 99% of nursing is in hospitals… but I am searching out that 1%, that allows me to apply my degree outside the box. I just don't know what that looks like. I feel anxious and impatient, like I am running out of time before my career needs to halt while I have a family. I know I am still young, but it worries me. That I won't be able to do what I want to do, or what God wants me to do. It sounds silly now that I write it, if it's in God's plan for me, it will happen, and even if I want something, but it's not in God's plan, do I really want that something to happen? Not really, no.
But I do know I was never gung-ho on the whole hospital nursing thing. Not for me, not for my whole career. But do not get me wrong, I am so blessed by my current job placement. I love it, I love the people there, the patients, the management is great. It's a great place to work and learn.
But what if there is more waiting for me?
I have tried to open doors and create opportunities for myself. But none seem to be working out.
I emailed a downtown nursing organization to see if I could do a shadow day, see what nursing in downtown Calgary would be like, working with the marginalized… they couldn't set up a shadow day for me unfortunately. Which is okay.
I have emailed various other organizations and places to set up shadow days, and none replied.
My dream would be to work for a world wide organization that aides in health, red cross, or world health… or even within Canada.
Some ideas I've had are disaster relief, working with youth in schools, or even ministry working with women and children.
I have no idea. It's a tad overwhelming, and I think too much about it. I have to remember that God has provided every single opportunity this far into my life. The last 3 jobs I have had. Even my final focus in last year of nursing school.. all was blatant blessing and direction from God. Does that mean that Cancer Care is where he wants me forever, or am I just here to learn and grow and I can try my hand at other things later in my career.
We will see I guess.
12/9/14
"Joy will not be rugged and durable and deep through suffering where there is not resolve to fight for it."
-j. Piper
I'm so depressed. I'm so anxious. I fear the gun my husband hunts with sitting in the basement, the rafters in my garage that could easily hang a rope, the pills in my medicine cabinet, knives in kitchen drawers. I can't stop these thoughts from coming in at least once a day. They scare me and I want them to stop. I never want to get to the dark place where these passing thoughts stay longer than a moment. Dear god.
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