This past summer, my family moved away to another province. My dad was the pastor of our church, worked from home, my mom a stay at home mom and my brother was always around. I was used to a house full of people, a house where we never locked our front door... Dangerous probably but open for anyone to visit. We had people in and out all the time. I love my family, we are all very close.
I also graduated university this past April and started working as a registered nurse at the children's hospital.
The most wonderful change of all, I had the privilege of marrying my best friend. It was the perfect day and best decision I've ever made, next to following Christ.
None of these things are bad. Getting married and starting a career are great things! But in it, I entered into the loneliest period of my life.
Moving into a new house that didn't feel like home. Working shift work as a nurse, spending days in an empty house and evenings at the hospital. The house was quiet. I wasn't used to how empty it felt.
I put so much pressure on Derek to fill that loneliness. But it wasn't our relationship that was making me lonely. He's so patient and kind with me. Loving me through every day.
I felt depressed. Anxious all the time. Stresses from work adding to the mix. I couldn't cope.
I couldn't cope with the way I felt. I couldn't go to church and pretend. I felt so fake. Like I don't have the energy to worship. I don't feel the joy God talks about in the bible. Why should I stand and raise my hands and pretend. I found myself feeling bitter. Towards religion and religious people. To people who say that God is good all the time. Is he? When all I see around me are children dying from cancer. It's so hard to remain steadfast in the belief that God is good when you feel like crying all the time because a depression you can't explain has come over you. I started to avoid community. I don't want people to know my pain. Or see through my act that everything is okay. I also don't want people to tell me everything is alright.
I found myself in a place of doubt and disbelief. I never doubt gods existence but I doubt his goodness. And to add to it I would be upset with myself for feeling this way - you've been a Christian the majority of your life Emilie shouldn't you have this figured out by now. You shouldn't struggle with elementary beliefs. I felt so stupid.
So I stopped going to church. I told myself I wouldn't read the bible or pray unless I wanted to. Not because I "should". I was done with the guilt trip I was putting myself through. I can't keep pushing my doubts aside and forcing myself to go through the motions of what I think being a Christian should look like.
My dad assured me. You aren't losing your faith. The stress of falling too far away to be redeemed scared me. What if I take a break and God doesn't take me back.
I don't think there's a time in my life when I have ever had a revelation in one moment. Over time God works on my heart. And I look back and I'm not where I used to be.
I prayed and asked God to give me desire to be a Christian. Not out of duty but out of desire.
Every time I opened my bible for the next two months (and it was only a handful of times)... I bawled. I sunk into my living room couch and bawled. Every time I prayed I earnestly meant every word. That meant I didn't pray for every prayer list item my church emailed out. But the few that grabed my heart and my spirit. "Oh god."
God sent me a role model. A lady who doesn't even know me. Never met me. And I've never met her. But I read her story online and for some reason struck a chord in my soul. Encouragement for the first time in a long time that I'm not alone. I just think of her boldness in sharing her story and it makes me feel brave and bold. Testimony is not over rated. It's powerful.
And through it all God has blessed me with the most gracious sweet husband. Who has held me as I cried and prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. In all the chaos of depression and anxiety that I cannot control, in the chaos of cancer and stress and missing my family, and feeling far from God, and my questions and my doubts and my fears... He's been solid and safe for me. Letting me be who I am and letting me discover who I am.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27 ESV)
I need the Holy Spirit more than ever. I don't have anything figured out. I feel like a giant mess. And slightly embarrassed at that fact. I tend to want to say "whatever" and not think or talk abou it. Like what I'm going through isn't valid. I make excuses like "your life isn't that hard, get over it."
But I won't let myself believe lies.
Whether you just got diagnosed with MS or you struggle with sadness/anxiety/fear/loneliness, your battle is yours. And bravery isn't specific to only slaying a lion, but bravery can be saying I'm going to get out of bed today and have joy.
I need to believe that.
I need you Holy Spirit. I need to go deeper with you or I won't survive.
