This may be the most sporadic blog post in existence, but it needs to happen. I have so many random things on my mind... and it's nearly one am, but I mean... when you feel the urge to write, you gotta just do it. Get it down. And when all your friends are sleeping (or should be), who can you vent to but a computer screen... (and Jesus).
Tonight was wonderful. I love conversation with other believers (very christiany term I know, but still). It is just so uplifting and encouraging. I think all I talked about tonight was God, Jesus and things of that matter, things related. I LOVE THAT. I love talking about things I love. I got called out tonight for a fault in my thinking, and I mean, no one likes how it feels to be told you're wrong... but I NEEDED it so bad. I was putting God in a box, and I can't do that! He's so much bigger than I make Him out to be. "Girl... stop putting God into a box, you need to stop"... so perfect. When you only have your thoughts... you can't step outside your thinking to see if your thinking is wrong... I needed a secondary voice to tell me. I left feeling... infinite... not because I am infinite, but He is. It's just one of those nights where it clicks... This probably isn't making sense to anyone but myself unless you were apart of this conversation. And it was the most random group of people in one conversation but so orchestrated perfectly for what I needed to hear. I'm so thankful.
Some scriptures that were shared were phenomenal.
Ephesians 4:1-6; I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Just ah. So great.
Break me open, God in motion.
Then driving home, just looking around... thinking of the things unseen. Listening to the song, that I love, and have listened to a thousand times or more. Set a Fire by Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band... Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain and I can't control. I want more of you God. I want more... I want more... Thinking about this. He gave EVERYTHING he had on the cross. His son sacrificially murdered. That is everything. Everything hinges on Jesus. I want more? In a sense, there is no more that he needs to give me. It's not about entitlement, about how He needs to provide ME with more... but actually I need to abide more in Him. I want to abide more in Him... It's me. More of me needs to abide in Him. When he has already given me everything I need to do so. Hashtag boom. Does this make sense... I don't know. *disclamer: It's not that I need to do more works, or do better or be different to abide in Him. But invite him in, he gives me the strength and the grace to do so, and I get to take steps to abide more in him. It's not about glory to me, but glory to Him....
I was also thinking about fear. A huge fear I have is that I am wrong. Not in the sense that I am scared to being told I am wrong. But that my theology and thinking and way of living is wrong according to God's standards and the way the bible tells me I should live. That is why I need accountability of other Jesus lovers to tell me when something is off, when I'm wrong. I want the truth so bad. Not the truth that I want to accept, but the real truth. The absolute truth of Christ.
Take a moment to remember who God is, and who I am (in him). There You go, lifting my load again. His yoke is easy. His burden is so light.
I also have been thinking about trust. Trusting God. I think a lot of people struggle with trusting Him. Even people in the bible, had a hard time trusting the very spoken word of Jesus himself. But I mean, I think that I can say I do trust God. I just don't trust my interpretation. I don't trust that when I hear something, that it IS from God... not from my own thoughts or another force. I think if I could be 100% sure that God was asking me to do something, I would do it. But... I can't recall any time where I had no doubt about that. I always struggle with is this really God? Maybe that has become an excuse to not acting on things he tells me to do. Hesitation to the point that the opportunity passes. I need to just test it. I need to look; does it line up biblicaly. Just step out in faith and do it. Not faith that God is asking you to do it for a specific reason, or that he will follow through. But faith that it is ACTUALLY God's voice speaking. You know? Bro.
I read this quote on pintrest... that was talking about fitness, and it said... "Wake up with determination to go to bed with satisfaction". Pondering this further, I really liked the quote. Not in the way as to seek out satisfaction in a selfish manner, but to work hard! Wake up with the determination and discipline to give Christ your all. To attack the day with 'fresh manna'. And that He will help you and give you the strength to take the necessary steps. Quite encouraging I'd say.
Jesus says in John, that "the Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life". Jesus' words ARE LIFE. yes.
I lift my hands. If my hands fail me, I will bend my knees. If my knees grow weak, I will raise my voice. I will sing, I will sing that You are good.
Also, talking to a friend who just came home from missions tonight... he was talking about how when the rubber hits the road, that is when you get to really practice the things of your faith. How can you practice... say, patience... if you are never pushed to your limit with a situation that is calling for patience. How can you practice what you have learned without being put to the test. It's the same with nursing... if I learn how to give an injection... or put in an IV... how am I supposed to know if I can actually do it if I'm never put in a position where I need to use my skill. If I don't use it... I'll lose it. I wonder if it's the same with spiritual disciplines and practices. Like faith, patience, love, perseverance. How can I know that Jesus has cultivated these things in me if I never get an opportunity to show love... or prove my faith. Faith refined by fire. I know obviously there is a call to show love... all the time! But what about in those really really tough situations where it's so hard to love. Or it's extremely difficult to have faith through a dark time.
Another friend of mine was telling me of one of the girls at her school who's mom just passed away from cancer. Terrible and tragic. Very sad. But she told me of the kind of faith this girl had... she lives thousands of miles away from me... but I have been impacted by hearing this - that's a pretty great influence she has. Anyways, the faith and perseverance and joy in suffering this girl is demonstrating has my friend astonished. You never know the strength God can give you until you are put in that situation.
My mom is in the hospital right now, and that thought surely crossed my mind... what if that was me. How would I respond... Would I respond knowing Jesus has me. Has my mom. Or would I shut him out. I pray that God is preparing me and growing me to get to the point where situations and circumstances of life will not impact my faith for the negative, but again... refine by fire. I want to suffer with joy. That has been a theme as of late. (like in Peter)
So change of topic... again. But recently over the past few months, I've really felt a tug and a pull to read my bible more. It's been really really hard for me to find time to do so and then I feel so guilty and bad about not reading it enough. I mean that conviction to get into the word is definitely from God. I mean of course! But that guilt is not. And I read this the other day and it's Jesus talking to the pharasees.
"You diligently study the scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life." John 5:39
It all points back to Jesus. It's all about him. It's not the book itself... but the man in the book. (don't get me wrong, I'm not down playing the importance of the bible or the scriptures). But the scriptures all point to Christ.
Driving home tonight, all I could say was, "Jesus". What a name. What's in a name... a whole lot, that's for sure.
Jesus, Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
It's now almost 1:30... and I have church in the morning... and finals this week... and I am probably about to get sick seeing as my boyfriend is quite ill and I have spent a lot of time with him... and not enough use of hand sanitizer (that's the nurse in me speaking)... I need sleep as well.
I love nights like this.
